| .. | 
|
|||||
This may seem like a facile difference, or like I'm splitting hairs, but really, I'm not. I've had more than a few threesomes in my time, some planned and some not-so-planned, and the one thing I can say without hesitation is that it pays to recognize the fact that a threesome is three-partner sex. It doesn't matter what the various roles and positions of the three partners are - active participant, voyeur, instigator, whatever - it's still three-partner sex. It really behooves all three of you to approach it that way. Threesome Rule #1: Threesomes are three-party interactions. All three parties in a threesome need to be independently and collectively in agreement about what they are getting into, and that they want to be there in the first place. I bring this up because a really common mistake that I see when people are experimenting with threesomes is that they think of the three-person unit as different combinations of duples: A plus B, B plus C, A plus C, B plus C, and so on. When this happens, it's very rare that all three people are taken into simultaneous consideration, and very common that one person is getting left out, whether of thoughts or actions, at any given time... and that, my dear, is an award-winning recipe from the How To Fuck Up A Threesome Bake- Off. One of the prime forms that this "couple splitting" takes is when you have a situation identical to the one you describe: a bi woman seeking her first same-sex sexual experience, with a male partner who wants to be in on it. The situation there is already rife with potential problems, ranging from the simple fact that not all women who are interested in you are going to be interested in having anything to do with your partner all the way on down to the fact that, honestly, many hetero guys think of the two- girl threesome as an ultimate sexual fantasy, and are completely unprepared to think of it or deal with it as a reality with emotional as well as physical responsibilities and repercussions. The "couple splitting" there is obvious. In the first case, if you are establishing a relationship with another woman in a "couple" sort of way - you and her - and then later introducing the concept of bringing your partner in on it, it may seem underhanded, opportunistic, presumptuous, or just plain rude. Our culture carries an expectation that relationships are dyad-based, and it isn't unreasonable for someone to expect that she is getting into a relationship with ONE person... not two. Imagine how you'd feel if you started dating someone, only to find out down the road that s/he also hoped or expected you to accept the prospect of being sexual with his or her primary partner? It's a pretty awkward and rude situation to be dropped into without warning, and is prone to make a person feel like they're being used or exploited for that other partner's benefit. This is particularly true with FFM threesomes precisely because the Two Hot Bi Babes(tm) Threesome is such a hot-button fantasy for so many heterosexual men. I can count on the fingers of one finger the number of bisexual women I know who would not be tempted to slap someone across the face if plopped unexpectedly into such a situation. Threesome Rule #2: Bisexual women were not put on this earth to fulfil other people's threesome fantasies. Those of us who qualify as Hot Bi Babes(tm) really do appreciate being treated like real live human beings with minds, brains, emotions, and senses of self (ref. Rule #1). Not all of us are interested in threesomes. Not all of us who are interested in threesomes are interested in threesomes that involve a man. Just because you're bi doesn't mean you want to have sex with women and men simultaneously, and in any event, it doesn't necessarily mean that you want to have sex with or in the presence of someone else's male partner. It may seem too incestuous, too scary, too much like you'd be outnumbered, or the guy may simply not be your cup of tea. Besides which, very few of us - Hot Bi Babes (tm) or otherwise - are interested in getting into a sexual situation with someone we don't actually know and like. You can't guarantee that someone's going to like (or want to be sexual with) your partner just because you happen to think it's a fine thing. For this reason, if you're looking for someone to participate in a threesome, it's up to you and your male partner to figure out how to present some sort of presence as two individuals who are looking for a third for an affair. It's a good idea, for instance, to go out on dates as a threesome, to have a chance to get to know each other, and for the third party - since you are, in your situation, introducing a third party to an extant relationship - to get a chance to feel like she has at least a minimal working relationship with the two of you. Speaking from experience, it can be really daunting to be the outsider who has to deal with a couple who have been together for a while. They have all the insider knowledge, you're the Janie-Come-Lately, and it's a vulnerable and precarious way to feel. So have dinner together. Go to a few movies. Hang out on park benches and tell knock-knock jokes, whatever works. It makes a big difference to everyone's comfort level, and I can guarantee you that if and when it moves into the bedroom, you're all likely to be much more able to negotiate the variegated weirdnesses of actually having sex with or around one another if you already know that you can communicate with one another. Learning how to avoid common threesome pitfalls in nonsexual contexts is very helpful. This is not to say that you have to all have a mutually committed, deep, intimate relationship. You don't, by any means. You could all just be in it for the nookie, which is fine... but being able to communicate with one another, and be comfortable with one another, makes for good sex. So don't skip the communication thing, it's important. Threesome Rule #3: Mutual communication is vital. If any member of the threesome feels like he or she can't openly and easily communicate with any other member of the threesome, that's a serious problem that needs to be addressed. There are many ways to work at this, and no One True Way to make it happen. One thing that has worked well for me - after quite a bit of trial and error - is to institute a prolonged courtship period before any clothes come off. There's absolutely no reason not to do in a threesome the same kinds of things you'd do in a two-partner relationship, and while I'm not averse to the idea of the first-date fuck or the one-night stand, I think we all realize that those also have their built-in risk of serious implosion. That risk goes up by approximately 100% every time you add another person to the mixture, and that's something to bear very seriously in mind when you're pondering three-partner sex. With the last two threesomes that have worked well in my life, I've made it plain from the outset that all three of us involved needed to spend several dates just hanging out doing things, and as that got more comfortable, engaging in what we affectionately call "otterpiles." This means snuggling and talking, all three of us in a bed or on a couch, freely able to be affectionate and sensual without any pressure about who was doing what to whom, who was the center of attention, or whose needs came first. It offers you a chance to figure out what's okay and what's not - is it okay for you to be touched by two people at once, for instance, or is it overwhelming? Is it okay for you to see your female partner kissing your male partner? Is it okay for your male partner to see you reacting with pleasure to being touched by another woman (you'd be surprised by how many men think it's a hot idea in the abstract, then get hugely jealous when it happens)? What kinds of things feel good to all three of you? Where are the bumps in the road cropping up? Fully clothed and constantly communicating and talking, it's a lot easier to say whatever comes up, be it "oh, this is lovely" or "hm, I'm not so sure I'm comfortable seeing you kiss her." The stakes are lower, the intensity is much more manageable, and if jealousy issues, neglect issues, problems of balance, or concerns about how you and your primary partner are going to re- connect in your two-person relationship are going to come up, it's better to have them come up for the first few times when you're NOT actively in the middle of hot and heavy sexual activity. That's not to say they won't - the more intense the sexual activity, the more volatile we often become emotionally and psychologically - but you have more of a fighting chance of dealing with things helpfully and gracefully when you're snuggling and talking than you do when things are at a fever pitch. Threesome Rule #4: Threesomes are not magic. (Corollary: Threesomes do not cure broken relationships, jealousy, rampant heterosexuality, or closed-mindedness.) Threesomes are like any other kind of relationship: shit can, and often does, happen. And you know, you will need to be able to deal with things as they come up, whether you are fucking or snuggling or just having dinner together. This is because - contrary to the weird popular notion that having a threesome will automatically be some magical experience where everyone gets every hole and appendage explored in precisely the way they want them to be - threesomes are no more magical and effortless than any other kind of sexual interaction we can have. In fact, as you increase the number of people, you increase the number of sexual, physical, personality, and other variables: it just gets more complex. Having reasonable expectations, and realizing that yes, sometimes things will probably be awkward (physically, if in no other way - three bodies on a bed means that things just aren't always gonna be graceful), is half the battle. Just as with any other configuration of sex partners, sometimes things work well, sometimes they don't, and it behooves all the participants in a threesome to keep their senses of perspective and their senses of humor in their hip pocket (or some other strategic location, if you happen to be naked) and apply liberally whenever indicated. From a purely practical perspective, it's really an excellent idea to have a serious talk about safer sex before you launch into doing anything sexual together. This is one part of the "threesomes are magic" mystique that can become really dangerous. For some folks, a threesome is so far away from their regular sex lives, so much a time and space unto itself, and frankly so precarious and scary that people forget to remember about safer sex. This, looked at in the cold hard light of statistical probability, is stupid as hell. Gloves, condoms, and a big roll of plastic wrap (for use as dental dams for vulva-oral and anal-oral contact) and a heapin' helping of water-based lube are a must. A discussion of what each of you may have been exposed to or treated for, in terms of STDs, is an excellent adjunct, since some STDs, notably herpes and genital warts, are spread by skin-to-skin contact, and simply using barriers will only protect you from these if the affected skin is covered by a barrier, which isn't always the case. In a case where two of you have a longstanding relationship and the third partner does not have a longstanding relationship with the other two, this may require a specific level of negotiation about safer sex. If you are fluid bonded (i.e., have sex without barriers) with your long-term partner, you need to make decisions about whether or not you plan to continue to have sexual contact without barriers between the two of you while in a threesome context or not. If you do, how does your third partner feel about this? She might not like the idea of being expected, say, to deal with you having your partner's semen in your vagina, or the risk that comes along with kissing you if you have your partner's semen (or just the taste of his un-latex-covered cock) on or in your mouth. Inegalitarian barrier use can bring up a lot of emotional issues, too... it makes some very definite statements about "couple separation" and what relationships are prioritized. This may be fine. Or it may not be. Assuming that it is automatically okay is dangerous, assuming that can't be okay may be needless. You'll have to talk about it. Sometimes, it's absolutely okay that different members of a threesome behave or are treated differently. Other times it's intolerable. Threesome Rule #5: Anticipate the inegalitarian. Moments where the relationships between various members of a threesome become inegalitarian are almost unavoidable. It may be a safer sex issue. It might be that one partner feels comfortable having a certain type of sex with one of the other two partners, but not the other, or with one or the other, but not both at the same time. A partner might want to be the center of all the erotic attention, and this might conflict with another partner's desire to be in the limelight - or with a partner's desire to try to have the most egalitarian possible distribution of sexual attention. A decision to let everyone have a chance being the center of attentionmight seem evenhanded and fair, but might still become profoundly uncomfortable and unfair if one partner really can't cope with having that much attention focused on him or her. These kinds of things can be okay as long as everyone makes an effort to discuss how things are going, how they feel, and whether they feel comfortable, safe, and included to whatever extent they want to be included. The large picture is generally more important than keeping score on the little things, and besides, keeping score on the little things, like numbers of sex acts, orgasms, or whatever, is often immaterial: not everyone has the same tastes or finds the same things important. Is it beginning to sound like threesomes are relatively complex, and not nearly the blithe bopping-around of three bodies in a bed that porn (and fantasy) often makes them out to be? Good. They are complicated things, not for the faint-of-heart or the lousy-of-communication-skills. This is true for the most casual, goal-oriented, sex-only threesome, and it's true for the most long-term, emotionally intimate one. As with any relationship, there are no guarantees, and it's always a good idea to read up on other principles of multi-partner relationships as well as relying on your own good sense and exploration. I highly recommend Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt's The Ethical Slut for anyone interested in expanding their relationship past the traditional monogamous dyad, and www.polyamory.org as a good online resource for multiple-partner relationship issues. Most of all, though, I recommend that you listen hard - not just to your partners, but to your own instincts. I can’t give you all the answers, and no one can, not even your partners. When it comes to any kind of sexual relationship, there's ultimately no substitute for simply being aware of what's going on in your own head. Want to ask the Fat Broad a question? Email her. |
||||||
 |
||||||
12.07.06: Scarlet Letters -- in case it isn't glaringly obvious -- is currently
on an extended hiatus. The web has changed, we've changed, and
we're trying to figure out how we both fit together now, which isn't a process we want to rush. If you're looking for more current SL-related content, you can
have check out upcoming books from editor Heather Corinna and previous co-editor Hanne Blank, check out Heather's current sexuality sites, or explore sites through the femmerotic network. We hope to be back with you soon, as fresh, challenging and
unexpected as ever.
In the meantime, by all means, enjoy our years of past content,
all of which still remain in the public and subscription areas.
| .. | visual art • prose & poetry • nonfiction • artists in residence • archive • home |
