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Dear Fat Broad,
I'm a 28-year old woman who likes her sex a little rough and tumble.
I love feeling overwhelmed and ravished, and I really like being
tossed down on a bed and fucked hard. I even like being a little
sore the next day. It's sort of nice and reminds me of what a
good time I had getting that way.
My problem is that the last few boyfriends I've had either a)
have thought that I was a total whore and that the fact that I
like it rough means they don't have to respect me or treat me
well, or b) have only been able to give it to me rough until they
actually start caring about me, at which point they get all gushy
and soft and say they don't want to hurt me. One guy I dated for
a while wanted me to see a shrink, and told me that what I was
into was S/M.
So here's what I want to know: first, is rough sex S/M? Second,
do I need therapy? I mean, I got over my own guilt about liking
fuck-me-like-you-mean-it sex and about being a total slut for
it, so why can't everyone else? And why is it that some men just
can't deal with the idea that a smart, together, professional
woman like me can actually deserve their respect and still want
to be thrown down on the couch and pounded like a cheap steak
now and then? |
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- Roughrider |
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Dear Roughrider,
Well, I for one don't have any problems with people, male or female,
who like it rough. I've always maintained that the ultimate aphrodisiacs
are desire and power, and frankly, you just don't get more obvious,
visceral displays of either one than you do during rough sex.
Knowing that you're desirable and wanted, knowing that you've
really turned your partner on to the point where he can hardly
control himself and just has to take you by storm is hot stuff.
Can you tell that yours truly has a bit of a bias here? More!
More!
The "do I need to see a shrink?" question is up to you to decide.
I don't think that liking rough sex per se is any reason to go
running off to your nearest mental health professional. On the
other hand, there are some folks who end up gravitating toward
rough sex (in some cases dangerously rough and potentially harmful)
because of internalized abuse issues, poor self-image, or feelings
that they deserve some sort of punishment for being sexual.
I'm not about to decide for you or anyone else whether or not
your particular interest in rough sex is in any way symptomatic
of something pathological or dangerous. Your partner may have
had experience with someone for whom rough sex was symptomatic
of deeper problems, or he himself may have bad associations with
being as sexually aggressive as you want him to be.
He could, for instance, feel like being that aggressive turns
him into the kind of Cro-Magnon date-rapist "no means yes" asshole
we all love to hate, and in that case, it's easy to see why he
might want to avoid being put into that position. Of course, he
could just be afraid of his own sexual power and/or your sexual
appetites, or any combination of the above. It's hard to say.
In any event, in view of his anxiety level, it's just as likely
that he would be the one who'd benefit from a therapy session
about rough sex as it is that you would. I don't think that an
appetite for rough sex itself is necessarily pathological or something
that needs to be "cured" in any way.
The issue of getting respect from partners is tricky. I'm sure
you're no stranger to the virgin/whore dichotomy that forms the
backbone of most base-level Western thinking about sex: nice girls
don't, and the girls who do, therefore, don't deserve the respect
that you'd give to a "nice girl." Well, as you and I both know,
nice girls most definitely do, but this doesn't stop those nasty
little Judeo-Christian mores from creeping into a guy's (or a
gal's) subconscious and saying "well, she likes to be treated
roughly and called a slut while I'm bangin' her, so how much respect
can she really deserve?"
In point of fact, you're to be commended for getting the virgin/whore
baggage out of your own subconscious to the point where you can
enjoy rough sex with such little guilt -- many women whose tastes
run toward rough sex feel tremendously self-conscious about their
desires to be manhandled, and think that somehow it makes them
less worthy of being treated well than women whose desires are
more PC. In terms of finding a partner who isn't going to think
less of you for wanting more bang for your boudoir buck, I think
your best bet is to talk about these things with your partners.
Making it clear that you know what you want and that you're doing
it consciously may be what it takes to make him aware that your
delectably slutty ways are something you choose to do, not a default
setting that you can't help.
The old virgin/whore thing is also one of the reasons your paramours
haven't always been able to give you the hearty fucks you crave
once they've started falling in love with you. In many men's minds,
nice girls, girls you fall in love with, aren't the kinds of girls
who are supposed to want to be flipped over the arm of the sofa,
have their skirt shoved up around their waist, and get fucked
like there's no tomorrow. Furthermore, as we're all taught, when
you love someone, you're supposed to want to protect them, not
grab them and fuck them so hard that you leave bruises and make
them sigh with a smiling little wince every time they sit down.
To your average guy, a woman who revels in rough fucks is pretty
certain to be the kind of girl his mother warned him about, and
as much as many men talk a good game about really liking sexually
adventurous women, you often find a rather deeply-ingrained double
standard at work. Thus, once your inamorato begins to feel all
warm and fuzzy about you, and think that you might be the kind
of girl he might take home to meet his mother, he may well start
doing a little libidinal mindflip that, in fact, turns you into
just the kind of "good girl" with whom his Mom would like to discuss
names for grandchildren. And she don't wanna get slamfucked.
The result of this, as you've discovered, is that the rawer parts
of sex often get left by the wayside. You still get laid, but
not necessarily the way you want to. What's more, it's not necessarily
the way your partner wants to, either.
The truth of the matter is, a lot of men I've talked to have discussed
feeling constrained or limited by what they feel is "appropriate
behavior" during sex. Too rough, and they risk being called brutish
or being told they're acting like a rapist. Too soft or tentative,
and they might feel like they're not being masculine or virile
enough. Though it may not always seem like it, men also carry
the weight of cultural conditioning about gender roles during
sex. I've had several men tell me that finding a woman who liked
it rough and was willing to ask for it was really liberating,
because they'd never actually felt like it was okay for them to
be that forceful otherwise.
Interestingly enough, this is one of the reasons why it might
be to your advantage to get over your aversion to thinking of
your affection for rough-and-tumble tumbles as BDSM. While I personally
don't necessarily consider rough fucks to necessarily be S/M,
they certainly can be. The real reason it might well benefit you
to adopt BDSM terminology, at least when negotiating sexual activity
with your partners, is that calling something BDSM puts a little
wall around the activity that says "this sexual activity is something
I choose to do, something to which I consent with the realization
that it might be considered beyond the pale by other people."
People tend to understand BDSM roles and personae as being more
or less costumes that people put on for sex, and take off when
in nonsexual situations. BDSM submissions take place in their
own realm, where they don't necessarily have any implications
about the person's life outside of BDSM. When you characterize
it as a BDSM role, it's much clearer where your feisty little
"pound me like a cheap steak" persona begins and ends.
In the ever-so-sensitive nineties, we tend to hold truck with
a highly egalitarian ideal of sexual practice. If no one is to
be exploited by, hurt by, or coerced into sex, sex must necessarily
be egalitarian and completely mutual, or so we've been taught.
Without doubt, this model of sexual relationships has a lot to
recommend it, not the least of which is that it makes it self-evident
that women can and do have their own independent sexuality and
modes of sexual expression.
However, the egalitarian model also oversimplifies things by glossing
over the sexual importance of difference. Difference -- in power,
in actions, in roles, in what is permitted or not -- can be tremendously
sexy. In your case specifically, the power differential between
a submissive and an aggressive partner in fucking, one person
letting herself be "used" in a lot of delectably raunchy ways
that might under other circumstances be downright humiliating
and denigrating, generates a tremendous amount of sexual energy.
Just being prepared to abandon your everyday, professional, in-control
style for wanton uncontrol when you're fucking generates a big,
exciting, sexy difference in the way you think about yourself
and the people around you. The act of telling someone that you
want to be taken and ravished, that you want to be "forced" to
abandon your customary level of self-sufficiency and control,
is not only a very pointed way of giving consent, it's a flashing
neon sign pointing out the sexual interest of difference. Rough
sex is hot because while the desire is indeed mutual, the ways
that desire is expressed are decidedly not egalitarian.
Explicitly non-egalitarian sex, particularly when it plays with
ideas and images that border on the taboo -- rough fucking often
blurs the boundaries between consensual sex and rape -- makes
a lot of people very, very nervous, including the people who participate
in it. Sex, after all, is a very primal and often volatile business.
In this litigious and politically-correct age, it's no wonder
that people seemingly go out of their way to avoid getting into
anything which might appear to be a dangerously gray area. The
BDSM label gives people a conceptually safe place to put the notion
of rough sex.
Additionally, conceptualizing rough sex as a form of BDSM play
may actually enhance your ability to get fucked the way you want
to. The "safe, sane, and consensual" framework of BDSM play gives
you a pre-arranged path to negotiate terms of sexual engagement.
The sorts of things you'd normally work out through numerous sexual
encounters and a fair amount of coaching while you're actually
having sex (something I've always found distracting) can be worked
out ahead of time. Yes, I know, it seems so anticlimactic that
way, but once you get used to it, prenegotiating the kinds of
things you enjoy isn't such a bad thing.
Prenegotiation, in fact, may well let some of your lovers feel
more comfortable with playing rough. Not only will they have a
better idea of your desires, they'll have an explicit idea of
your limits. This can help keep a hot fuck from turning into something
you didn't want: if what you want is to have your hair pulled
while he fucks your mouth, and your nipples twisted hard while
he reams your ass and calls you his whore, and instead he decides
to slap your face while you're on your knees about to go down
on him, you might both end up upset and not having a very good
time. Forewarned is forearmed.
Let me just insert one obligatory caveat, and that's that I hope
you are a) playing safe and using barriers (condoms, gloves, dental
dams) where appropriate, and b) being careful to avoid playing
rough to a degree that might cause serious damage (you might consider
using a safeword). Bruises or scratches here and there are no
big deal, or perhaps a little spotting (menstrual blood) the next
day, but it'd be a little foolhardy to risk real bodily harm (including
HIV or other STDs) in the name of a good time. Even those into
playing doctor rarely find broken bones, black eyes, split lips,
or emergency-room trips to be all that erotic.
To sum up, Roughrider, I don't think you need to worry too much
about wanting to be fucked hard. In fact, I wish you well and
hope you enjoy the hell out of it. You're not crazy, and there
are plenty of folks, male and female, who feel the same way you
do about rough sex, both as tops and as bottoms. One of the hottest
personal ads I ever saw began with the phrase "Ripped sheets?"
and proceeded from there as a man described his desire to find
some hottie who shared his lust for a good pounding fuck -- the
man of your dreams is definitely out there!
As you learn to communicate how you want to be fucked and what
kind of a role it is for you, finding partners who are able to
give you what you want on a consistent basis will only get easier.
Here's hoping you're soon being pounded 'til tender!
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