|
Dear Fat Broad,
I'm a bisexual woman, or maybe I should say "bi-curious." I want
to fuck a woman, but I am scared to eat someone out. How do I
deal with it? Can you teach me how? |
|
- Eager Beaver |
|
Ah, my eager cunning linguist in the making, I remember well how
it felt to be in your shoes! When I was but a little bisexual
whelp-about-town, I would often fantasize about whatever toothsome
wench-du-jour I happened to be crushed out on. I'd get through
the kissing part with flying colors, probably partly because I'd
already kissed with another woman. The image of getting my fantasy
femme's blouse off was pretty good too. I'd go from imagining
what it'd be like to tweak her nipples to visualizing kissing
my way down her tummy...
...and then I'd have the oddest mental block.
It wasn't that I didn't know what pussies looked like, and it
certainly wasn't that I didn't know what pussies felt like. As
the proud owner of a fully-functional pussy with all the usual
factory-installed and user-serviceable parts, I was actually pretty
familiar with what at least one pussy felt like, and I have to
say that it felt (and still feels) pretty good.
But for some reason, I couldn't seem to envision what it would
be like to go down on another woman. I'd been on the receiving
end, if only from boyfriends at that point, so it wasn't as if
I had no idea at all what it was like. Try as I might, I couldn't
get past that point in my fantasy. My daydream girl would be lying
there squirming, pants down around her ankles, and there I would
be with one hand in my panties, fast losing focus as she evaporated
and was replaced by some stupid anxiety like whether or not I'd
remembered to take my library books back on time -- all the interruptus with hardly any of the coitus.
Eventually, a solution presented itself, and I must say she was
awfully cute. Yesindeedy, I solved my inability to visualize what
going down on another woman would be like by getting myself a
girlfriend and doing it. The girlfriend part is important. If
you want to eat at the Y, you've got to either get really good at yoga or else find yourself a cutie who's willing to share
her box lunch.
Now, it won't do to just walk up to some likely-looking dame and
say, "So, uh, I've never given head before, but I figured I would
ask if you'd like to be my guinea pig." No no, my little cabbage,
landing a leading lady for your first labia-licking liaison requires
tact, flirtation, finesse, derring-do, and, yes, some honesty
about the fact that it's your first time would be good, too.
One might even go so far as to suggest that you try the old-fashioned
but rewarding route of actually dating someone for a while before
you try having sex with them, a strategy which has the decided
advantage of letting you get to know them, and they you, smoothing
the path in any number of ways. To know you is to love you, right?
Your partner is likely to be a lot more understanding of your
inexperience, and a lot more kindly disposed toward coaching you,
if she likes you and knows what the situation is.
Your girlie may even find your innocence and naiveté charmingly
attractive. There are those of us, lecherous wicked women one
and all, who kinda get a charge out of popping a deserving girl's
cherry now and then. If this proves to be the case, work it, girl.
Having your girlfriend give you tantalizingly detailed directions
can be a mighty spicy way to spend an evening, and there's a great
deal to be said for learning by playing the "Oooh, and what happens
if I lick that part like this?" naïve-little-me game until she can't stand it any more and
begs you to let her come.
You don't say what it is that has you scared about eating another
woman out -- I'm going to assume that it's not that you think
it might be "icky" or something like that, because you seem pretty
gung-ho about the idea otherwise. I'd be willing to bet that it's
simple inexperience, the What The Hell Do I Do factor, the fear
of not being very good at it (at least the first few times), and
not wanting to disappoint your partner more than any fear about
the actual act.
It's okay if you don't know what to do with yourself the first
time you have sex, or the first time you have any particular kind
of sex. I wasn't sure what to do the first time I slept with another
woman, either, but I figured it out pretty quickly when the time
came. As my mother, a junior-high English teacher, often remarks,
"Stupid is forever, but fortunately ignorance can be cured." And
nothing, honey, will cure your ignorance faster than experience,
especially if you're conscious and thoughtful about what you're
doing.
The "conscious and thoughtful" part is important. It's not enough
to just dive in and thrash around and not pay attention to your
partner's reactions -- that's a good way not to get asked back
for a return engagement. While there are certain strategies and
techniques that work well for a lot of different women, no two
women and no two pussies are exactly the same. What works one
time might not even work as well the next time, so it pays to
learn how to pay attention.
Paying attention to what your partner says and the noises she
makes is part of this. But not everyone is verbal when they are
having sex, or you might be going at it under circumstances where
noise is less than desirable. You can still listen for subtle
sounds, like changes in breathing, gasps, little "oh!" noises,
and those satisfyingly desperate gulping noises that people sometimes
make when you do something particularly delicious to sensitive
parts of their anatomy.
You can also "listen" with your sense of touch, your tongue, and
your hands. Does a long slow lick from bottom to top over her
clit make her arch her hips toward you? Does her belly tense up
when you suck her inner labia? If you keep your hands on her or
in her, you get a nice feedback loop going, because you can feel
the little tenses and twitches of her muscles. Different women
have different sorts of physical reactions. Experiment with different
things and see what gets you the most encouraging responses --
and go back to those things and vary them to see what really drives her crazy.
As for what those "different things" might actually be? If I were
feeling just a touch more crotchety, I'd just smile and tell you
to go experiment and send me a report in a week. But since I've
just acquired a fabulous new Cyberskin dildo and my mood is accordingly
mellow, I'll part with a few hard-won secrets.
The vulva is a wonderful cornucopia of sweet folds and velvety
ridges, and while you'll undoubtedly want to spend time on each
and every one of those buttery nooks and crannies, there are some
bits that are more sensitive than others in general.
In some women, the labia (inner and outer) are very sensitive
and love to be licked and nibbled, and with other girls, you can
wear out your lips on hers until there's a lesbian in the White
House and all you'll get in response is a yawn. The same is true
with the opening of the vagina proper. While it is generally sensitive
enough to feel a tongue, not all women like to be tongue-fucked.
I've known several vaginas that seemed rather nonplussed by my
tongue and were much happier having the girth, length, weight,
and solidity of fingers or a dildo used on and in them instead.
The urethra is another spot that elicits highly mixed reactions,
and sometimes even violently aversive ones. For some women, it
tickles. For others, it makes them feel like they have to pee.
Still other women say it hurts. Whatever the case, don't go sticking
your tongue up into the urethra, since the bacteria in your mouth
and the PH of your saliva could potentially cause problems or
lead to urinary tract infections for your partner. Most people
aren't too fond of the sensation anyhow, so it shouldn't be a
big problem.
But the clit, ah...now we're talking. Every once in a while you'll run into a woman
whose clit is so sensitive that she can't bear to have it touched
directly, but for the most part, baby, it's not diamonds that
are a girl's best friend. These loveable little devils are an
awful lot of fun to play with, and if you've ever had yours licked,
sucked, and nibbled, you know full well how much fun it is to
be on the receiving end.
The most famous of women's sensitive bits, the clitoris hides
from the paparazzi up at the top of the vulva, just below the
mons. Clits vary in size, just as penises do, and they get erect
just like penises do too -- which shouldn't be too surprising,
since they develop from the same structure when a baby is developing
in the womb. Clitoral hoods also vary in size, and these tender
little bits of skin can be licked and nuzzled and sucked just
as the clit itself can. Not only are they sensitive, but sensation
can be transmitted through them to the clit below quite nicely.
The clit is a staggeringly touch- and pressure-sensitive bundle
of nerve endings. In fact, it's the only organ on a woman's body
whose only purpose is to provide sexual sensation, so it's a pretty sure
bet to spend a lot of time licking and tonguing and loving it.
At the same time, you don't want to stampede the clitoris. While
the clit is not usually a retiring little wallflower, it's also
possible to overwhelm her with your ardor. Too much direct stimulation
too fast can put the nerves into something approaching shock,
and you end up numbing your partner out. Circling the clit with
the tongue, without making too much direct or concentrated contact,
is one strategy. Teasing the labia, the clitoral hood, and the
area just above the clit are other good hors d'oeuvres before
you launch into the main course.
When you do directly approach the clit, introduce yourself suavely
yet politely with a few exploratory licks. Do you get more mileage
out of a tip-of-the-tongue flicker, or a flat-of-the-tongue slurp?
Does your girlfriend react more to side-to-side motions, or up-and-down?
Does she like licking better than sucking? How about licking the
tip of her clit while you're sucking it?
What about fingerfucking her at the same time, or stroking her
with a dildo? Does she like to have her clit tongue-lashed? Mashed
with the tongue or teeth? Nibbled? Stroked with the lips in a
mini-blowjob fashion? Be creative, and don't forget to pay attention
to the reactions you get so you know what's working and what isn't.
If you're using a barrier, like a dental dam, a Glyde Lollye (a
special latex dam made for oral sex), or Saran Wrap between your
tongue and her pussy for safer sex reasons, you can generally
toss subtlety out the window. Even with a dose of lube between
the dam and her cunt to help transmit sensation, a muscular tongue
is an asset when there's a sheet of plastic between your tongue
and your sweetie's goodies. You can try sucking the plastic, then
licking the stretched, sucked-in bubble and the flesh underneath
it to great effect. Some girls like having you suck the dam away
from their clit, then let it snap back into place, giving the
clit a nice little "whap!"
Barriers for pussy-eating are unpopular. They're unwieldy and,
I'll be honest, doing it with them isn't as much fun as doing
it without them. The STD transmission rate during cunnilingus
is quite low, particularly for HIV, so some people consider it
a reasonable risk to have unprotected oral sex with other women.
Some people use barriers only during menstruation, some don't
bother even then, and other people use them all the time.
However, if you have cold sores or genital herpes, do make sure
you use a barrier for oral sex from the time you feel a sore coming
on until several weeks after the sore has completely healed. Herpes
simplex lesions shed virus like the dickens, and you don't want
to give anyone herpes, right, pussycat? Same goes for yeast infections
or oral thrush, don't "share the wealth" when you can share good
health.
Now, since you've been such a good girl and read through the little
lecture, I'll let you in on one of my favorite oral sex tricks.
Best of all for us bi chicks, this one works on both men and women.
The perineum is the little strip of skin that stretches from the
bottom of the vaginal opening (or the bottom of the scrotum) back
between the legs to the anal area. Some people call it the "'tain't"
-- because it "ain't pussy, and 'tain't asshole" -- and it's a
really sensitive, smooth, lovely little piece of flesh. Lick it,
tease it, nibble it gently...and enjoy the wriggling and gasping
you induce. It's a fabulous place to start your oral odyssey.
Work your way up slowly from 'tain't to clit, and I can pretty
much guarantee that by the time you get around to doing her clit,
your girlie's gonna be ready to rock and roll.
The best trick for driving your girlfriend absolutely crazy, though,
is to ask her for feedback. No, really -- paying attention to
what's going on, listening with all the means at your disposal,
and trying really hard are all indispensable, but asking her what
she likes is even better. Not only does it give her a chance to
tell you things you might not think to try, but it lets her know
that you care enough about her and her pleasure to ask. Listen
to what she has to say, ask questions if you're not clear on what
she means, and you can start a fabulous sexual dialogue that is
equal parts talking and experimenting, a fabulous combination
for anyone's sex life.
Enthusiastic, playful, exploratory sex is almost always hot sex,
and that goes for anyone, no matter how experienced you are or
what gender you or your partner(s) happen to be. Inexperience
isn't as big a barrier if your communication skills are good.
Remember, we all have to learn sometime, and even if you've been
muffdiving for years, that doesn't automagically give you the
master key to giving every woman the best head she's ever had.
Experience is a great teacher. And the next time someone tries
to insult you by calling you a cunt, you'll be qualified to use
this trick, which I learned by watching a Cambridge meter maid
use it on a very angry and recently-ticketed Jaguar-owner: smile
brightly, look your nemesis in the eye, and say, "Well, I guess
you are what you eat!"Dear Fat Broad,
I'm a bisexual woman, or maybe I should say "bi-curious." I want
to fuck a woman, but I am scared to eat someone out. How do I
deal with it? Can you teach me how?
Eager Beaver
Ah, my eager cunning linguist in the making, I remember well how
it felt to be in your shoes! When I was but a little bisexual
whelp-about-town, I would often fantasize about whatever toothsome
wench-du-jour I happened to be crushed out on. I'd get through
the kissing part with flying colors, probably partly because I'd
already kissed with another woman. The image of getting my fantasy
femme's blouse off was pretty good too. I'd go from imagining
what it'd be like to tweak her nipples to visualizing kissing
my way down her tummy...
...and then I'd have the oddest mental block.
It wasn't that I didn't know what pussies looked like, and it
certainly wasn't that I didn't know what pussies felt like. As
the proud owner of a fully-functional pussy with all the usual
factory-installed and user-serviceable parts, I was actually pretty
familiar with what at least one pussy felt like, and I have to
say that it felt (and still feels) pretty good.
But for some reason, I couldn't seem to envision what it would
be like to go down on another woman. I'd been on the receiving
end, if only from boyfriends at that point, so it wasn't as if
I had no idea at all what it was like. Try as I might, I couldn't
get past that point in my fantasy. My daydream girl would be lying
there squirming, pants down around her ankles, and there I would
be with one hand in my panties, fast losing focus as she evaporated
and was replaced by some stupid anxiety like whether or not I'd
remembered to take my library books back on time -- all the interruptus with hardly any of the coitus.
Eventually, a solution presented itself, and I must say she was
awfully cute. Yesindeedy, I solved my inability to visualize what
going down on another woman would be like by getting myself a
girlfriend and doing it. The girlfriend part is important. If
you want to eat at the Y, you've got to either get really good at yoga or else find yourself a cutie who's willing to share
her box lunch.
Now, it won't do to just walk up to some likely-looking dame and
say, "So, uh, I've never given head before, but I figured I would
ask if you'd like to be my guinea pig." No no, my little cabbage,
landing a leading lady for your first labia-licking liaison requires
tact, flirtation, finesse, derring-do, and, yes, some honesty
about the fact that it's your first time would be good, too.
One might even go so far as to suggest that you try the old-fashioned
but rewarding route of actually dating someone for a while before
you try having sex with them, a strategy which has the decided
advantage of letting you get to know them, and they you, smoothing
the path in any number of ways. To know you is to love you, right?
Your partner is likely to be a lot more understanding of your
inexperience, and a lot more kindly disposed toward coaching you,
if she likes you and knows what the situation is.
Your girlie may even find your innocence and naiveté charmingly
attractive. There are those of us, lecherous wicked women one
and all, who kinda get a charge out of popping a deserving girl's
cherry now and then. If this proves to be the case, work it, girl.
Having your girlfriend give you tantalizingly detailed directions
can be a mighty spicy way to spend an evening, and there's a great
deal to be said for learning by playing the "Oooh, and what happens
if I lick that part like this?" naïve-little-me game until she can't stand it any more and
begs you to let her come.
You don't say what it is that has you scared about eating another
woman out -- I'm going to assume that it's not that you think
it might be "icky" or something like that, because you seem pretty
gung-ho about the idea otherwise. I'd be willing to bet that it's
simple inexperience, the What The Hell Do I Do factor, the fear
of not being very good at it (at least the first few times), and
not wanting to disappoint your partner more than any fear about
the actual act.
It's okay if you don't know what to do with yourself the first
time you have sex, or the first time you have any particular kind
of sex. I wasn't sure what to do the first time I slept with another
woman, either, but I figured it out pretty quickly when the time
came. As my mother, a junior-high English teacher, often remarks,
"Stupid is forever, but fortunately ignorance can be cured." And
nothing, honey, will cure your ignorance faster than experience,
especially if you're conscious and thoughtful about what you're
doing.
The "conscious and thoughtful" part is important. It's not enough
to just dive in and thrash around and not pay attention to your
partner's reactions -- that's a good way not to get asked back
for a return engagement. While there are certain strategies and
techniques that work well for a lot of different women, no two
women and no two pussies are exactly the same. What works one
time might not even work as well the next time, so it pays to
learn how to pay attention.
Paying attention to what your partner says and the noises she
makes is part of this. But not everyone is verbal when they are
having sex, or you might be going at it under circumstances where
noise is less than desirable. You can still listen for subtle
sounds, like changes in breathing, gasps, little "oh!" noises,
and those satisfyingly desperate gulping noises that people sometimes
make when you do something particularly delicious to sensitive
parts of their anatomy.
You can also "listen" with your sense of touch, your tongue, and
your hands. Does a long slow lick from bottom to top over her
clit make her arch her hips toward you? Does her belly tense up
when you suck her inner labia? If you keep your hands on her or
in her, you get a nice feedback loop going, because you can feel
the little tenses and twitches of her muscles. Different women
have different sorts of physical reactions. Experiment with different
things and see what gets you the most encouraging responses --
and go back to those things and vary them to see what really drives her crazy.
As for what those "different things" might actually be? If I were
feeling just a touch more crotchety, I'd just smile and tell you
to go experiment and send me a report in a week. But since I've
just acquired a fabulous new Cyberskin dildo and my mood is accordingly
mellow, I'll part with a few hard-won secrets.
The vulva is a wonderful cornucopia of sweet folds and velvety
ridges, and while you'll undoubtedly want to spend time on each
and every one of those buttery nooks and crannies, there are some
bits that are more sensitive than others in general.
In some women, the labia (inner and outer) are very sensitive
and love to be licked and nibbled, and with other girls, you can
wear out your lips on hers until there's a lesbian in the White
House and all you'll get in response is a yawn. The same is true
with the opening of the vagina proper. While it is generally sensitive
enough to feel a tongue, not all women like to be tongue-fucked.
I've known several vaginas that seemed rather nonplussed by my
tongue and were much happier having the girth, length, weight,
and solidity of fingers or a dildo used on and in them instead.
The urethra is another spot that elicits highly mixed reactions,
and sometimes even violently aversive ones. For some women, it
tickles. For others, it makes them feel like they have to pee.
Still other women say it hurts. Whatever the case, don't go sticking
your tongue up into the urethra, since the bacteria in your mouth
and the PH of your saliva could potentially cause problems or
lead to urinary tract infections for your partner. Most people
aren't too fond of the sensation anyhow, so it shouldn't be a
big problem.
But the clit, ah...now we're talking. Every once in a while you'll run into a woman
whose clit is so sensitive that she can't bear to have it touched
directly, but for the most part, baby, it's not diamonds that
are a girl's best friend. These loveable little devils are an
awful lot of fun to play with, and if you've ever had yours licked,
sucked, and nibbled, you know full well how much fun it is to
be on the receiving end.
The most famous of women's sensitive bits, the clitoris hides
from the paparazzi up at the top of the vulva, just below the
mons. Clits vary in size, just as penises do, and they get erect
just like penises do too -- which shouldn't be too surprising,
since they develop from the same structure when a baby is developing
in the womb. Clitoral hoods also vary in size, and these tender
little bits of skin can be licked and nuzzled and sucked just
as the clit itself can. Not only are they sensitive, but sensation
can be transmitted through them to the clit below quite nicely.
The clit is a staggeringly touch- and pressure-sensitive bundle
of nerve endings. In fact, it's the only organ on a woman's body
whose only purpose is to provide sexual sensation, so it's a pretty sure
bet to spend a lot of time licking and tonguing and loving it.
At the same time, you don't want to stampede the clitoris. While
the clit is not usually a retiring little wallflower, it's also
possible to overwhelm her with your ardor. Too much direct stimulation
too fast can put the nerves into something approaching shock,
and you end up numbing your partner out. Circling the clit with
the tongue, without making too much direct or concentrated contact,
is one strategy. Teasing the labia, the clitoral hood, and the
area just above the clit are other good hors d'oeuvres before
you launch into the main course.
When you do directly approach the clit, introduce yourself suavely
yet politely with a few exploratory licks. Do you get more mileage
out of a tip-of-the-tongue flicker, or a flat-of-the-tongue slurp?
Does your girlfriend react more to side-to-side motions, or up-and-down?
Does she like licking better than sucking? How about licking the
tip of her clit while you're sucking it?
What about fingerfucking her at the same time, or stroking her
with a dildo? Does she like to have her clit tongue-lashed? Mashed
with the tongue or teeth? Nibbled? Stroked with the lips in a
mini-blowjob fashion? Be creative, and don't forget to pay attention
to the reactions you get so you know what's working and what isn't.
If you're using a barrier, like a dental dam, a Glyde Lollye (a
special latex dam made for oral sex), or Saran Wrap between your
tongue and her pussy for safer sex reasons, you can generally
toss subtlety out the window. Even with a dose of lube between
the dam and her cunt to help transmit sensation, a muscular tongue
is an asset when there's a sheet of plastic between your tongue
and your sweetie's goodies. You can try sucking the plastic, then
licking the stretched, sucked-in bubble and the flesh underneath
it to great effect. Some girls like having you suck the dam away
from their clit, then let it snap back into place, giving the
clit a nice little "whap!"
Barriers for pussy-eating are unpopular. They're unwieldy and,
I'll be honest, doing it with them isn't as much fun as doing
it without them. The STD transmission rate during cunnilingus
is quite low, particularly for HIV, so some people consider it
a reasonable risk to have unprotected oral sex with other women.
Some people use barriers only during menstruation, some don't
bother even then, and other people use them all the time.
However, if you have cold sores or genital herpes, do make sure
you use a barrier for oral sex from the time you feel a sore coming
on until several weeks after the sore has completely healed. Herpes
simplex lesions shed virus like the dickens, and you don't want
to give anyone herpes, right, pussycat? Same goes for yeast infections
or oral thrush, don't "share the wealth" when you can share good
health.
Now, since you've been such a good girl and read through the little
lecture, I'll let you in on one of my favorite oral sex tricks.
Best of all for us bi chicks, this one works on both men and women.
The perineum is the little strip of skin that stretches from the
bottom of the vaginal opening (or the bottom of the scrotum) back
between the legs to the anal area. Some people call it the "'tain't"
-- because it "ain't pussy, and 'tain't asshole" -- and it's a
really sensitive, smooth, lovely little piece of flesh. Lick it,
tease it, nibble it gently...and enjoy the wriggling and gasping
you induce. It's a fabulous place to start your oral odyssey.
Work your way up slowly from 'tain't to clit, and I can pretty
much guarantee that by the time you get around to doing her clit,
your girlie's gonna be ready to rock and roll.
The best trick for driving your girlfriend absolutely crazy, though,
is to ask her for feedback. No, really -- paying attention to
what's going on, listening with all the means at your disposal,
and trying really hard are all indispensable, but asking her what
she likes is even better. Not only does it give her a chance to
tell you things you might not think to try, but it lets her know
that you care enough about her and her pleasure to ask. Listen
to what she has to say, ask questions if you're not clear on what
she means, and you can start a fabulous sexual dialogue that is
equal parts talking and experimenting, a fabulous combination
for anyone's sex life.
Enthusiastic, playful, exploratory sex is almost always hot sex,
and that goes for anyone, no matter how experienced you are or
what gender you or your partner(s) happen to be. Inexperience
isn't as big a barrier if your communication skills are good.
Remember, we all have to learn sometime, and even if you've been
muffdiving for years, that doesn't automagically give you the
master key to giving every woman the best head she's ever had.
Experience is a great teacher. And the next time someone tries
to insult you by calling you a cunt, you'll be qualified to use
this trick, which I learned by watching a Cambridge meter maid
use it on a very angry and recently-ticketed Jaguar-owner: smile
brightly, look your nemesis in the eye, and say, "Well, I guess
you are what you eat!"
Want to ask the Fat Broad a question? Email her. |
