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Dear Fat Broad,
Okay, I admit it. I'm jealous. I'm lucky enough to have one of
those girlfriends who comes easily and often, and while it does
admittedly do wonders for my ego, I have to admit that I'd give
up feeling like quite so much of a super stud if I could just
have half as many orgasms as she does instead. Why, oh why, is
the Universe so unfair? Why do women get to have multiple orgasms
and men only get one shot with the Sputnik and it's all over for
at least an hour and a half? Is it just God's way of telling us
that women really are the superior sex? |
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- Once Is Not Enough |
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Dear Once,
As tempted as I am to just answer "yes" to your last question
and leave it at that, a one-word answer does not a column make.
Nor, for that matter, would I be telling the truth. When it comes
to multiple orgasms, there are more things on Heaven and Earth
than you know, young Grasshopper.
Not all women, you know, are multiply-orgasmic. And believe it
or not, some men actually are. Ah, I knew that'd make you prick
up your ears. Let me reiterate: some men do have multiple orgasms.
As luck would have it, I've got something of an inside line on
this, because my partner of the past three years is one of those
lucky men who does. You think you've got orgasm envy? Try being
a multiply-orgasmic woman whose male lover still comes more often
than she does! Not that I'm complaining, mind you. As you note,
when your partner climaxes that much it definitely lets you feel
like the ultimate mack daddy. But I digress.
What your question ultimately brings up is the fascinating question
of what orgasm actually is, and what happens when we come. Men
and women are both familiar with the same sort of sensation --
that blindingly intense pleasure that obliterates, for a moment
or two, everything else around us -- accompanied by the strong
involuntary contractions of several groups of muscles which are
felt in the genitalia, rectum, and anus.
For men, though, the defining moment of orgasm has always been
ejaculation. This is true despite the fact that ejaculation can
happen without either the sensations of orgasm or the muscular
contractions which tend to accompany it.
I can already hear you thinking, "What? Ejaculate without an orgasm?"
Yup. All it takes is the right kind of prostate stimulation, and
it's one of the things urologists can do to get sperm samples
from patients who have serious erectile dysfunctions or damage
to the penis.
So: since it is possible for a man to have ejaculation without
orgasm, the question is whether it is possible for him to have
orgasm without ejaculation. The answer here is likewise yes. Women,
after all, have non-ejaculatory orgasms all the time, and young
boys who don't yet produce semen or sperm have sexual climaxes
without ejaculation, too.
You may have heard or read about the so-called "dry" orgasm. A
friend of mine, after hearing a pal brag about having had seven
orgasms in a rapid succession, wrote to me, "Jeez, I can't shoot
that many times! What comes out after seven orgasms? A note from
the bank saying you're overdrawn?"
Though I admit an overdraft notice would be funnier, what really
happens is that if you keep going after your body runs out of
available semen, you have a non-ejaculatory orgasm. The little-known
truth is that you don't have to run out of semen first to have
a non-squirting come. Non-ejaculatory orgasms are the cornerstone
of male multiple orgasm, because once your orgasmic potential
no longer depends on your ability to ejaculate, the sky's the
limit in terms of the numbers of times you can come.
The problem isn't whether men can have multiple orgasms, but how
they learn to do it. For more input on the question, I decided
to ask the men I know who have.
Feeling rather jauntily Kinsey-esque, I trotted into the living
room and asked my multiorgasmic partner how he started having
multiple orgasms. He just shrugged and said that he started to
have multiple orgasms once he believed it was physically possible
for him to do so.
"Thanks for that detailed answer, honey," I replied, and back
I went to my office to do more research. Seriously, though, I
do think his response worth mentioning. Most men don't actually
believe they are capable of multiple orgasms, and simply believing
that you can do it can make a world of difference. It may not
be quite what "The Little Engine That Could" was talking about,
but there's much to be said for the "I think I can...I think I
can..." mentality when it comes to learning new patterns of sexual
response.
After some further discussion with my partner and with a few other
men I know, it seems that there were two basic components in their
learning how to have multiple orgasms.
First, they learned how to have non-ejaculatory orgasms. Second,
they all talked about a sort of recalibration of their orgasmic
"triggers" as it were, learning how to respond orgasmically to
kinds of stimuli other than the ones they already knew were useful
for bringing on the good old squirt-gasms. With this combination,
not only are you prepared and able to have different kinds of
orgasms, there's a wider variety of stimuli that can trigger them.
All in all, I think that's what the corporate types call a "win-win
situation."
And so, without further ado, here are some tips on how men can
learn to have non-ejaculatory orgasms. I've culled these from
my helpful cadre of multiply-orgasmic boy informants, as well
as from my own experience as a big ol' femme top. (After all,
it doesn't pay to let uppity bottoms come whenever and however
they want to. Gives them the wrong idea.)
- Start by stopping. When you're getting close to orgasm, stop.
Hold off on the stimulation and let the urgency subside a little
bit before you resume. See how close to the edge you can get without
actually having an orgasm. Some men are able to get to a point
where they orgasm without ejaculating through this method alone
-- a friend describes it as "sneaking up" on the orgasm in such
a way that his body doesn't have a chance to prepare to ejaculate.
- Try applying pressure at the base of the penis with your thumb
to manually close off the urethra, thus blocking the ejaculation
when you're nearing orgasm but without stopping the stimulation
that will make you come. For some men, having an orgasm with the
path of the ejaculate physically blocked will give them the necessary
sense-memory of coming without squirting so that they can do it
later on without needing the manual intervention.
- One friend of mine says he had his best luck using an interesting
form of biofeedback where he would simply force himself, mentally,
to stop his orgasm after the first two or three muscle contractions.
He'd simply override the muscles responsible for the physical
side of his orgasm, and after a little practice, he got to the
point where he could have an orgasm either with or without the
muscular contractions, or with or without ejaculating. As a bonus,
he says he can also choose to combine these things as he likes,
which he says gives him great control over what kind of orgasm
he has!
- Still another friend says that he didn't discover non-ejaculatory
orgasm until his girlfriend bought a dildo harness. For him, all
it took was a proper ass-fucking to get him concentrating so hard
on what her dick was doing that he pretty much forgot about his
own. Suddenly, he was having strings of non-ejaculatory orgasms
without having to have his penis stimulated at all. Badda-BING!
All of the men I know who have multiple orgasms have reported
to me that while they may be having multiple climaxes, not all
of their climaxes are the same in terms of quality or duration.
This didn't surprise me much -- that seems, as far as I can tell,
to be true of orgasms as a whole, no matter who has them.
E jaculatory orgasms consistently topped men's lists as being
the most consistently dramatic and viscerally satisfying, the
most likely to be serious clawing-the-sheets, screaming mindbenders.
However, my boyfriend often also has what we call "sparklegasms,"
brilliant, lengthy, shuddering climaxes that seem to sizzle like
Fourth of July sparklers and remind me a lot of some of my own
orgasms. Other men talk about having these as well, and about
orgasms that are heavy and thudding like cannonfire, ones that
just have big expansive waves of sensation that seem to roll on
forever, and still others that "sneak up on you silently and then
hit you over the head with a frying pan."
From the sounds of things, all the various types of orgasms that
people in general have are pretty darned nice. I've never yet
had anyone say, "Damn it all, I had an orgasm again. I just hate
that." Just the same, don't go after multiple orgasms with the
assumption that more necessarily means better. Having multiple
orgasms is no guarantee that they're all going to be of the kind
you like best. There will merely be more of them.
I should add here that a non-ejaculatory orgasm on the man's part
doesn't mean there's no need for safer sex or birth control. Pre-ejaculate
can contain sperm, as you know, and the transmission of STD's
can be a two-way street. You didn't hear it here first, but unless
you're with a fluid-bonded partner, remember: wrap it or slap
it.
As far as learning to recalibrate your orgasmic trigger is concerned,
I've gotten very mixed reports in terms of what works and what
doesn't. The two common threads in all of the replies I've had
to that question is that it takes time to accomplish, and that
it requires paying a great deal more attention to your body and
to what is going on during sex than many men usually do.
T aking the time to really focus on non-genital stimulation, or
on the kinds of genital stimulation that don't normally bring
on your orgasm, is key. Often, people approach sex in a headlong
rush to have an orgasm, and I think this may be particularly true
for men.
This may well be a testosterone-related thing. In the wonderful
documentary You Don't Know Dick: The Courageous Hearts of Transsexual Men, shown as part of Boston's groundbreaking Transpectives film festival last month, one female-to-male transsexual said
that one of the big changes in his sexuality as he transitioned
was discovering that testosterone treatments made his sexual desires
seem extremely more physical, the desire for relief and release
brutally necessary to a degree it had never been during his previous
life as a woman.
Could it be, I thought as I watched, that testosterone has a tendency
to orient men's sexuality toward the quickest possible climax
rather than the greatest possible sexual pleasure over a longer
period of time? I'm not certain, but it certainly seems well within
the bounds of biological/repoductive logic!
Whatever the reasons, most men seem in a hurry to get to ejaculatory
orgasm (a fact long lamented by women, who often take considerably
longer to get off than do their male paramours). What this means
for men is that when they're in a rush to get to the final destination,
they don't tend to enjoy the scenery along the way.
Learning to take more time to enjoy being touched, to appreciate
the sensations of having your thighs and nipples, buttocks and
earlobes and other parts of your anatomy stroked and licked are
the sorts of things that will help fuel your ability to come more
often and in more different ways. I know two men who orgasm just
from having their earlobes sucked and nibbled -- a talent I confess
I wish I shared!
Concentration and intense attention are key to having multiple
orgasms whether you're male or female. If you're too stressed
or tired, it's going to be difficult to come up with the kind
of energy and attention you need to have sex be good at all, much
less to make your sex as multi-orgasmic as you'd like.
For many people, various forms of meditation help to center the
attention and corral the concentration during sex. Tantric sex
practitioners have often touted the benefits of yoga meditation
techniques as ways of helping to channel sexual energy, and indeed,
Tantric sex practitioners have their own recommendations about
how both women and men can learn to achieve prolonged and multiple
orgasms.
It may well be that the tips I've listed above won't work for
you in specific, but don't despair! There are several people,
including Jack Johnston, who claim to have developed methods to teach men to have multiple
orgasms. Not being a man, I cannot personally vouch for their
effectiveness, but, this being the Wild Wild Web, you can find
out more by reading some words by folks who can or running a websearch on "male multiple orgasm." One of the
methods out there may be just the ticket.
Whether you try the tips I've listed above or you use someone
else's method, you should be aware that it's probably going to
take some experimentation. If, like most men, you need to unlearn
the tendency to go straight for that ejaculatory rush, it may
take numerous attempts before you successfully have multiple orgasms
either alone or with a partner.
But, like the old joke says, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Practice!" I tend to believe that where there's a will, there's
a way, and who knows? One of these days, you too may be able to
make your girlfriend jealous.
Want to ask the Fat Broad a question? Email her. |
