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As you already know, all blowjobs are not created equal, and neither are cocksuckers. The basics aren't too tough -- find a willing penis and suck on it. Taking such insipid mechanics to the realm of the sublime is another matter entirely...and when you want to become a virtuoso, it takes talent, technique, dedication, and practice. As any good New Yorker knows, it's the only way to get to Carnegie Hall. But practice alone won't get you the Golden Tongue Award. Practice is a wonderful thing, and it's true enough that the more you suck cock, the more chance you have to figure out how to do it well. Still, practice is nothing without dedication. Attentiveness and care, enthusiasm and application are truly the most important elements in creating a truly world-class sexual experience of any sort. As my handpicked coterie of penis-owning friends (some of whom are also accomplished fellators in their own right) told me when I polled them about what made for the best blowjobs, it's bound to be better if the person doing it wants to be doing it and is paying close attention. You can tell when someone really wants to be there and when they're just taking care of another item on the To Do list. Frankly, I don't think you can give a truly superlative BJ if your heart's not in it. Without the passionate intent to make love to your partner with your mouth, you can know every trick in the book and it'll still be somewhat wan. On the other hand, you needn't have years of experience and a big bag of tongue-twirling tricks to leave your beloved gasping paeans of praise. All you really have to do is really throw yourself into it, and let your partner know just how enthusiastic you are about sucking him off. Feeling desired, after all, is one of the most potent aphrodisiacs. Penises, as you no doubt already know, are rather individualistic creatures. A maneuver that makes one lively little devil blow his top in seconds might not get much more than a, "that's nice, honey," from another. There's no single roadmap to use when you're licking, sucking and tonguing -- rather, keep in mind that any road can lead to Rome. That said, there are a few things which are pretty sure bets. The frenum, the wee patch of skin just below the cleft of the glans of the penis on the underside, is one of the most exquisitely sensitive bits on the male body. Treat it much as you would a woman's clitoris, with a range of different tongue strokes and touches, to find out what seems to work best. Although you can approach the frenum completely separately, or lick it on your way up the deliciously sensitive underside of the cock, the favoured approach among the men I've asked is to lick the frenum while holding the entire head of the cock in your mouth, firmly but gently encircling the shaft just below the head with your lips as you tongue-lash that lovely little spot into a frenzy. Another thing to try is a nice long tight-lipped slide down the entire length of the penis (or as much of it as is comfortable) with your lips encircling the shaft. After you've been going down on your partner for a while and his shaft is pretty well coated with saliva, move back up to the tip of his penis and purse your lips as if to give it a kiss on the head. Let the weight of your head and the rigidity of his member force your mouth open just enough for it to slip inside, and then immediately tighten your lips around him as you slide down, with plenty of slow friction. Once you've got him in your mouth as deeply as is comfortable, extend your tongue along the length of the shaft and undulate it snakily along the underside. Painting imaginary barber-pole type stripes up the length of him is also popular, as is tongue-lashing your way up and down the length of his cock, from glans to base. When it comes to the old in-and-out, you can make the experience more interesting by varying the amount of suction you use. Yes, some guys do indeed want you to try to impersonate an Electrolux, but others are turned off by the idea of having the chrome sucked off their ball hitch. It's best to start on the light side and work your way up. If your partner's even mildly responsive, you'll definitely know when you've hit the optimal level of suction. My own personal favorite trick when I let my partner thrust is to let my jaw go slack and suck in my cheeks, letting my tongue cradle the underside of the cock while the insides of my cheeks gently caress its sides. This is not, mind you, something that can be easily done with anyone who's hung particularly thick or long. Unlike snakes, most humans can only relax their jaws, not unhinge them. Even with the largest of penii, however, you can alter the intensity of suction. Try alternating between the faintest slippery sucking and the most intense suction you can muster, basically expelling all of the air from your mouth (via your nose), letting your partner's cock tug against the vacuum. You may not be able to do it on the full length of the penis, but since the glans and frenum are the most sensitive parts anyway, there's no such thing as a bad compromise. For a guaranteed crowd-pleaser, there's always deep-throating. Very few men will turn this down, but not everyone wants, or is able, to do it. Some gag reflexes are simply more active than others, and for some people, having anything go toward the back of their throat is a highly unpleasant experience. While I'm on the subject, I feel I must take this opportunity to issue a few pointers to the gentlemen in the audience. There are certain behaviours to which the male of the species seems to be prone when receiving a knobshine that can really make the whole thing an obnoxious chore for the person with your cock in their mouth. For starters, unless you know that your partner enjoys it, don't thrust deeply, and by that I mean more than an inch or so. Tonsil-jousting may be fine and well for some, but it's also one of the top complaints that people have about giving blowjobs. The simple fact of the matter is that no matter how good it feels to have the entire length of your cock inside your lover's mouth, your partner may not feel the same way. Unless your partner is good at not gagging from having their soft palate and pharynx touched -- not too many people are practiced at this -- you may not only make your lover gag, but end up with their lunch in your lap. My own personal strategy for dealing with the incorrigably thrust-prone has been to tie them down, putting them entirely at my none-too-tender mercies as a way of keeping Mr. Happy from doing the battering ram thing against my epiglottis. No one has actually ever complained about this, mind you, so I'd count the strategy as a good one. Alternately, you can lie your partner down on his back, then straddle his legs and bend down to take him into your mouth. His hands may still be a problem, but it's much harder for him to thrust into your mouth if his legs are pinned. The thoughtful penis-owner will also be careful of the tendency to grab at a partner's head, especially by the hair or ears (ow!) or whatever, to force their head down. No, it's not thrusting, but it isn't much better for the choking-prone, and for some, it's rather unpleasantly redolent of rape. If you end up with an angry, gagging, nauseous, utterly unhappy person on your hands -- or if you end up getting bitten out of self-defense -- you've only got yourself to blame. Yes, some people do in fact like having their heads held and being mouth-fucked, but it's a highly individual preference. Unless you know for a fact that your partner enjoys having you steer, and how they like you to do it, keep your hands to yourself. Those little problems aside, voluntary deep-throating can be a fabulous thing for both cocksucker and cocksuckee. This is one department where bigger is not necessarily better. Plainly put, it's easier to deep-throat a cock that isn't big enough to excite your gag reflex too much. I know a number of well-hung men who bemoan the fact that they're too damned big for most of their lovers to be able to take them more than half way. For you average-sized gents who've occasionally bemoaned your dimensions, there should be a bit of consolation for you there. The trick in deepthroating is learning how not to gag. Some people have a great deal of success by elevating the soft palate, creating a larger space in the back of the throat. You can get an idea of what this feels like by yawning -- your soft palate goes up automatically -- or you can raise your eyebrows and flare your nostrils while you breathe in. Feel how the rearmost bit of the roof of your mouth, almost in your throat, lifts up? That's your soft palate. If you learn to duplicate that when you're giving head, you create significantly more room for the head of your lover's cock. On the other hand, many people have fabulous fellatio success doing the exact opposite, essentially learning how to swallow with their mouths open and with the cock gently pressed (not thrusting hard!) against the back of the throat. This produces the infamous and beloved effect of having the throat muscles gently squeeze the head of the cock. This is a real blockbuster for those who can manage it, but it isn't for everyone. Of all the oral sex tricks I've ever tried on men, the one that got the most astonished, ecstatic reactions was sticking my tongue out just a bit while deepthroating, tickling between my lover's balls with the very tip of my tongue while he was engulfed in my mouth and throat. I definitely haven't been able to pull this off with everyone I've tried it on, but those who have gotten to experience it have raved. It's not for the neophyte: I don't gag easily, and this one usually makes me choke after a moment or so. No matter which method you try, take it slow. You may not be able to deepthroat consistently, so cut yourself some slack if you end up gagging and sputtering. If you feel yourself starting to gag, try simply relaxing. Sometimes you can override the instinct to choke by simply telling yourself that it's okay. In any event, it's probably wisest not to try deepthroating on a full stomach, just in case. With or without deepthroating as an added attraction, you needn't assume that your mouth is the only tool at your disposal when you're giving the world's greatest blowjob. Idle hands are the Devil's playground, so put them to good use! Combining a hand on the shaft with a mouth on the head is combining the best of two very delightful worlds. Many men like to have their scrotums tickled and stroked when you're going down on them. I'm partial to making particularly in light little fingernail-tip circles over the butt and balls. And don't forget the delightful reactions you can produce by teasing the t'ain't (the perineum, or the strip of skin between the bottom of the scrotum and the anus) or the asshole itself. For those of you who like to multitask, a blowjob is an excellent time to slide a lubed (and gloved) finger into your sweetheart's nether passage and give him a sweet little prostate-massaging fingerfuck. It'll do him good. The condomed blowjob is another advanced technique that requires a little practice. Many people prefer to suck cock with condoms these days for safer sex reasons, and while I'll be the last to argue that latex tastes anywhere near as good as a nice friendly penis, safer blowjobs definitely have their potentially life-saving merits. Flavoured condoms, devoid of the evil nonoxynol-9 that tastes dreadful and numbs your tongue, are available for oral sex use. I like the Kiss of Mint ones, but the banana flavoured ones I tried, Freudianly appropriate as such a flavoring may be in a condom, were irreparably vile. No matter what you use, put a few drops of lube on the inside of the condom to better transmit sensation to your partner, and remember to avoid the reservoir tip models. That little dingus of latex at the end is hell on the gag reflex. With a bit of practice, you can even roll a condom on with your lips and tongue (mind your teeth), enabling you to hide a rubber in your cheek and slip it on at literally the last minute. Sometimes the man in question may not even know he's had a condom put on him. How's that for a party trick? Now, it must be noted that blowjobs can end in several different ways. They can be a prelude to fucking or an activity on their own. In either case, they can end with or without ejaculation. Some men don't come from blowjobs, and that's that. As with penetration for many women, it just doesn't give some people the right kind of stimulation. This isn't something you or anyone should take personally -- it's just the way it is. It doesn't mean that your partner doesn't enjoy the hell out of being sucked and licked, it simply means that he's unlikely to ejaculate as a result. At this point, some of you are undoubtedly wondering where you can find one of the ones that won't squirt in your mouth. Not everyone likes having their partner cum in their mouth, whether for safer sex reasons or simply because they don't like the taste, texture, or sensation. With a little canny management, this doesn't have to be a problem. (Note: since this column was originally written, new information has come out regarding HIV and other STD transmission through oral sex. The rates for HIV/STD transmission via fellatio are now considered to be considerably higher than was formerly thought. Therefore, The Fat Broad suggests that you always use condoms when you give blowjobs, or at the very least, do not permit your partner to ejaculate in your mouth. Yeah, I know it's not as much fun, but it sucks a lot less than dying, so kwitcherbitchin' and go buy some Kiss of Mint condoms already.) As any mainstream porn video will show you, lots of men rather enjoy the sight of semen spurting across a lover's face or chest. In the second or so between that tell-tale last-moment throb-and-swell and the famous sploot!, you can easily readjust penile trajectory. Some delectably tawdry souls have even been known to enjoy the process of "getting a facial," as it's known in the trade. Messy can be fun. Alternately, just let him cum on his own belly. No muss, no fuss, no aftertaste. If you do let your lover come in your mouth, you have three options as for what to do with the proceeds: spit, swallow, or share. If you must spit, try your best not to look despondent or green about the gills. Just grab a Kleenex or take a quick trot to the loo, spit, rinse if you like, and get your hiney back in bed for more fun. Swallowing should be pretty self-explanatory. Sharing can be a lot of fun, too. A favorite double feature for some women is to slide on top while their partner is still hard and start riding his almost-too-sensitive, just-post-ejaculation hard-on while they lean forward and share the cum with him. It's the sort of thing that lends the phrase "waiting for the second coming" a whole new meaning. As if it weren't already immediately apparent, when it comes to oral sex, I'm what you might call a fan. I like going down on my lovers. I find penises attractive. I like the way they feel in my mouth and on my tongue. I like the way they taste (freshly washed equipment only, please). I'm also an inordinate fan of the power and control that comes along with giving a partner really good head. Many of my conversations with my colleagues-in-cocksucking have revolved around how much we enjoy feeling like the center of a lover's universe. That's where my deep-down, hardwired love of performing oral sex on any partner, male or female, comes from. There's a lot to be said for being able to dole out that kind of pleasure. Couple it with the sensory pleasures of taste, texture, friction, and what foodies call "mouth-feel," and sucking dick can be enough, all by itself, to get some of us cocksuckers off. Ultimately, it's that desire, the fact that you want to give the world's best blowjob that lets you do it. Keeping a partner's pleasure foremost in your mind when you've got him on the tip of your tongue will keep your name on the tip of his for a long time to come. Want to ask the Fat Broad a question? Email her. |
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12.07.06: Scarlet Letters -- in case it isn't glaringly obvious -- is currently
on an extended hiatus. The web has changed, we've changed, and
we're trying to figure out how we both fit together now, which isn't a process we want to rush. If you're looking for more current SL-related content, you can
have check out upcoming books from editor Heather Corinna and previous co-editor Hanne Blank, check out Heather's current sexuality sites, or explore sites through the femmerotic network. We hope to be back with you soon, as fresh, challenging and
unexpected as ever.
In the meantime, by all means, enjoy our years of past content,
all of which still remain in the public and subscription areas.
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