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Yum, yum, what a scrumptious little treat your letter was! You sound like a man who knows what he likes to eat, and it ain't Lean Cuisine. Good for you for being up-front about liking bigger women! A preference for fatter partners is something you share with somewhere between five and twelve percent of the general population, according to most estimates, but because fatness is so heavily stigmatized in our culture, it's not something that a lot of people who like more meat on the bone are willing to come out and admit. (For more on this, check out my book on the subject, Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them, Greenery Press, 2000.) As a fat broad myself, I applaud you for being willing to acknowledge publicly just how sexy and desirable fatter women can be -- you've got great taste. But part of loving fatter partners, whether they be male or female, is the responsibility to recognize that it can be damned difficult, psychologically speaking, to go through life as a big person. You don't say in your letter whether you yourself are at all fat, so I'm going to assume for the sake of argument that you're not. For those who haven't felt it personally, it can be very difficult to understand the extent to which prejudices about body size and weight can make a person's life (and especially their sex life) hell. It can take a lot of conscious effort, even with a very supportive partner, for a fat person to overcome years of negative conditioning and begin to enjoy and celebrate their bodies. I know this situation is frustrating for you; it's frustrating for anyone who really loves and is attracted to a large person to have their partner be unable to see what you find so lovely and desirable about them. It's hard to keep on trying to convince someone that they're gorgeous and you lust after them and all they can see when they look in the mirror is an undesirable, ugly fat person. Bear in mind that regardless of what you or I may think, "fat is horrible and ugly" is, in fact, the message people hear day in and day out. Fat or thin, we're all bombarded by this mantra through the media, in advertisements, as well as in comments we hear from parents and families, coworkers, doctors, passersby, and classmates. In research I'm conducting for an upcoming book (due out in early 2000), I've found that about 85% of the women I've talked to who self-define as "fat" have had the threat of being sexually or romantically undesirable used to harass them about their size, the old "you'll never find a boyfriend if you don't lose some weight" spiel. You can't expect a fat woman to instantly shrug off that kind of conditioning, rip off her clothes, and come bounding gleefully into your bed just because you happen to think she's hot. This is particularly true when you're asking your partner for a specific sexual position that makes them feel more vulnerable about their size. There are too many jokes about fat people crushing or smothering their partners during sex for many fatter folks to try it. Hell, a lot of fatter folks (fat or thin) feel uncomfortably exposed just being naked with someone else. A majority of the fat men and women I've interviewed have told me that they have very mixed feelings about getting on top during sex, not just for oral sex but also for vaginal and anal penetration. Many of them have never gotten on top, and have told me that they have no intentions of ever doing so. To you and me and a lot of other people, that's sad news. I'm pretty damned far from being the kind of delicate little concave-tummied flower who might be in danger of becoming a Victoria's Secret model, but I've learned to adore getting on top and will do it at the slightest provocation. But for thousands and thousands of round folks, the notion of being on top during sex is so fraught with anxiety and fear that they not only can't imagine ever doing it, they can't imagine why you, or anyone else, would ever want them to. The long and short of it is that many of the things about your girlfriend's physique that you find so delectable are things that she finds shameful and unattractive. If I gauge your tone correctly, you're one of those guys who practically spraypaints your 501's at the thought of having your head enveloped in hot, steamy, sweet, thick, plush, sexy flesh, with a nice full-lipped pussy right over your mouth, kneadable satiny thighs on either side of your face, and a nice round well-padded tush in view. Sounds damned good, right? Cool your jets, Range Rider: I'm going to ask you to consider this from your girlfriend's perspective too. In her mind, when you ask her to straddle your face, you're asking her to put her thick thighs, the cellulite on her ass, and her round belly all very much on display and within reach. For her part, she's all too able to just look down and see all the swells and rolls she's probably tried to lose for most of her life. Add to that her nervousness about whether or not she's going to smother you, crush you, or break your nose if she happens to move the wrong way or loses her balance, and you can just say "Sayonara!" to her enjoying a good muff-dive and roll out the red carpet for a raging case of panicked insecurity. In our thin-obsessed culture, where anorexics are convinced they're wildly obese at 80 pounds, where Kate Winslet (and let us be honest, Miss Winslet is hardly a dead ringer for Kate Smith) is lambasted in the press as "chunky," and where everything from soap to cigarettes are peddled using sexy images of thin -- and only thin -- bodies, it's no wonder that even women whose scrawniness rivals Kate Moss' are known to get so worried about whether they're too fat to be attractive that their libido vanishes, orgasms are impossible, and sex becomes so anxiety-producing that they'd rather avoid it than be naked with another human being. (As an aside to those of you who are thinking "Why doesn't this guy's girlfriend just go on a diet?", let me be the first to burst your bubble. Diets don't work. The US "weight-loss" industry wouldn't be raking in $40 billion a year if they actually did what they were supposed to, when you stop to think about it. Jenny Craig would eventually run out of people to make thinner. Even the New England Journal of Medicine and the National Institutes of Health, both notoriously conservative on the matter of overweight, have acknowledged that, from a medical perspective, diets don't work. Some people are genetically disposed to be fat. Some people are genetically disposed to be thin. Not everyone should have to be thin to be healthy and happy and sexy, any more than they should have to be white or left-handed or tall.) Many people love their well-padded paramours as much as you do, Dave, and many of them have similar problems in getting their lovers to accept that their desire is real and sincere. It's going to take some convincing, adjustment, and self-acceptance before your girlfriend's going to feel comfortable just cutting loose like you'd like her to. The question is how you can best help your girlfriend get to a point where she is comfortable enough with her body, her sexuality, and your desires for her that she'll be able not only to agree to sit on your face, but enjoy herself while she's doing it. First, you can reassure her that it's highly unlikely that she'll do you any harm, particularly unintentionally. Even if she's sitting on your face -- a phrase we all know is a misnomer, since really what she'd be doing is straddling your face, with her weight on her knees (and perhaps her hands as well) -- it's pretty unlikely that there'd be a complete enough seal of her skin over your mouth and nose to suffocate you. If there's a problem, you're both capable of figuring out a way to let the other person know and moving out of harm's way or sticking a few fingers into the pie and making room for air. In all honesty, the only times that I've had partners complain of a suffocation risk has been when I've gotten so caught up in things that I've held someone's head in place rather ferociously. I don't think this has anything to do with weight -- I've had similar experiences with thin lovers who've been so appreciative of my attentions that they've held me down pretty damned firmly. In my opinion it's worth a few seconds of not getting a good breath to give a lover a great orgasm, but your mileage may vary. Crushing is even less likely than suffocation or smothering. The human body is a pretty sturdy thing, and when someone lies on top of you or straddles you, the weight generally gets distributed pretty comfortably, especially if the person on the bottom relaxes and lets their body adjust to it. At worst, it might feel like a heavy blanket or perhaps one of those lead-filled aprons they sometimes give you when you're having an X-ray. Many people find the sensation quite reassuring, if not downright erotic. Personally, I've always thought it odd that no one thinks twice about the guy on the bottom in some of the double penetration scenes you find in porn flicks, where there are two people lying on top of him and the one on top is adding to the pressure by banging away, but they'll automatically assume that having one even moderately fat person on top during sex will flatten the thin partner like a steamroller. It just ain't so. Communication is key. The person on the bottom should tell the person on top how they're doing· and the person on top should listen. It can be a little scary to let a lover take your body weight, no matter how much or how little you weigh, but if your lover is enjoying it and says so, it's okay to go ahead and do it. Sometimes, muscle tension or other factors may make that kind of pressure uncomfortable even for people who normally enjoy it. If it's not working, don't worry about it. Tomorrow is another day. Switch positions and try something else. Putting your body weight on a partner evenly is important, as is spreading the weight over a broad surface area. Elbowing someone in the ribs, we all know, puts a lot of force on a very small area and can hurt quite a bit. You can use your palm to press on another person's body with the same amount of force, on the other hand, and not hurt them at all. The same principle applies when you straddle a partner's head or hips. If you're worried about your balance, find something to hang on to, like the wall, the headboard, or just leaning forward and supporting yourself on your hands as well as your knees. Settling into place gently and evenly means no one gets hurt, whereas kneeing your lover in the 'nads or nose is a good way to do damage whether you weigh 120 pounds or 250. If you want the feeling of being encompassed or enveloped but your partner isn't comfortable getting on top, try it lying on your sides. This is a particularly good way to negotiate oral sex with any partner if you want the feeling of being surrounded but having your partner be on top isn't on the menu. Your partner's weight will be supported by the bed (or couch, or floor...) and yet you still get to enjoy the feeling of being engulfed, as well as the weight of your lover's luscious leg and the pressure of being sandwiched between two nice juicy thighs. This way she can buck and grind all she likes without having to worry about whether she'll lose her balance or press too hard on your face, since her body weight won't be behind the motion. If she gets a little excitable and clenches her thighs together in passion, keep your wits about you. It's not likely to hurt you in any way, but thigh muscles are very strong and one could conceivably feel trapped and start to panic. If you need to extricate yourself, pushing your head down toward your chest (and/or toward the backs of her thighs) will get you free fairly easily. As far as helping your partner accept herself and your desire for her more fully, being patient and demonstrative is often the best way to go. Looking her in the eye and telling her she's beautiful is a great place to start. Telling her how sexy she feels underneath you or caressing her and explaining how good it feels to you to touch her may well give her a whole new view of her own body. Be gentle, and don't expect things to change overnight. Years of negative conditioning don't disappear instantly just because you want them to, but sincerity, patience, and a willingness to keep telling your lover how desirable she is to you just might make a dent. If she can see her sexiness reflected in your eyes, it's possible that one of these days, she may not need you to point it out to her. When that day comes, kiddo, hang on tight, because that sexy chubby girlfriend of yours might just give you the ride of your life. Want to ask the Fat Broad a question? Email her. |
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12.07.06: Scarlet Letters -- in case it isn't glaringly obvious -- is currently
on an extended hiatus. The web has changed, we've changed, and
we're trying to figure out how we both fit together now, which isn't a process we want to rush. If you're looking for more current SL-related content, you can
have check out upcoming books from editor Heather Corinna and previous co-editor Hanne Blank, check out Heather's current sexuality sites, or explore sites through the femmerotic network. We hope to be back with you soon, as fresh, challenging and
unexpected as ever.
In the meantime, by all means, enjoy our years of past content,
all of which still remain in the public and subscription areas.
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