.. So What if You're Bi? (An Ethics Reality Check) Hanne Blank Dear Fat Broad, I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years now. The relationship has been a wild ride, but we are both in love with each other. I am bisexual. I've never had a real relationship with a woman, but only because I've been with my boyfriend. I have had sex with a few ladies during the times that me and my boyfriend were on the outs and separated. I fantasize a lot about being with another woman. Not just physically but emotionally too. My problem is that can't stop thinking about woman and how I really want to be with them. The 'phases' usually pass within a few days or a week... but everytime they come back, they get stronger. I've told my boyfriend how I feel and he says that he would consider it cheating if I did anything with another woman.. as do I... but what am I to do? - Tossed and Twisted I'll tell you what you do, Tossed and Twisted: you wake up and smell the coffee, and stop trying to convince yourself that this issue has more to do with bisexuality than it really does. Bisexuality really has a lot less to do with this issue than you're making it out to. What this issue really is about is this: either you want a monogamous relationship with your boyfriend or you don't. The simple fact of the matter is that whether one is bisexual or not, occasionally one becomes interested in, curious about, even crushed-out on people who are not actually one's current partner(s). That's the way human beings are. The world's a big place and it's full of yummy people. It's also full of potential. Sometimes idealized notions or fantasies of being with someone else, even if you haven't got a specific someone else in mind, seem awfully delightful by comparison to the mundane reality of the relationship you've already got. Being bisexual has nothing to do with this. People of all sexual orientations and preferences have these feelings. Nor does it have anything to do with the fact that you have to make a decision about whether or not you're going to follow up on those interests, urges, and fantasies. Either you will or you won't. Bisexuality doesn't change a goddamned thing, in that respect, except it makes behaving irresponsibly feel somehow more defensible because you've got more different types of desires to cope with. But really, gender's got precious little to do with it. This would be essentially the same question if you were thinking about other men and not other women. This is about how you behave yourself in relationships and how you handle desires that are not congruent with remaining monogamous. To wit, a few pages from the Big Bisexual Book of Rules*: Big Bisexuality Rule #4: There is not a different standard of behavior in relationships for bisexuals than there is for monosexuals. You still have to operate within the standards of behavior you've negotiated with your partner(s) for your relationship(s), regardless of their gender(s) or yours. Big Bisexuality Rule #13: Bisexuality does not give you a license to be an asshole. What does this all mean for your current situation? Well, you have several options.... 1) continued monogamy with your current partner, which means that you find some other way to cope with your desires for other partners aside from going out and having sex or relationships with other people... or whining about not being allowed to do so. 2) negotiating polyamory with your current partner, which would concievably open up a way for you and your partner to remain a couple while also opening the door to you both seeing other people. 3) getting out of your current relationship in order to pursue possibilities with other people. You pays your money and you takes your choice. But don't go behaving badly or dishonestly in your relationships and blaming it on your bisexuality, because you'll only piss off the rest of us who are doing our level best to disprove the stereotype that bisexuals are only out to get laid and don't care about being ethical or responsible in their relationships. You really don't want that many pissed off bisexuals on your doorstep, believe me. To say nothing of the fact that you don't want us all to run screaming if you ever decide you're attracted to any of us. We're picky about these things, you know. * The Big Bisexual Book of Rules is an ongoing, semi-legendary work that one of these days I'll get around to turning into a Web document. Got a suggestion for a rule that should be included? Email me. Want to ask the Fat Broad a question? Email her.

12.07.06: Scarlet Letters -- in case it isn't glaringly obvious -- is currently on an extended hiatus. The web has changed, we've changed, and we're trying to figure out how we both fit together now, which isn't a process we want to rush. In the meantime, by all means, enjoy our years of past content, all of which still remain in the public and subscription areas. If you're looking for more current SL-related content, you can have check out upcoming books from editor Heather Corinna and previous co-editor Hanne Blank, check out Heather's current sexuality sites, or explore sites through the femmerotic network. We hope to be back with you soon, as fresh, challenging and unexpected as ever.

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