Scarlet Letters:The Second First Time

<body background="graphics/background.gif" bgcolor="#FFFFFF" text="#000000" link="#990000" vlink="#666666" alink="#FFFFFF"> <p><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="724"> <tr> <td width="488"><font face="Georgia" size="2"><table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="2" width="468"> <tr> <td align="LEFT" width="1" rowspan="3" valign="BOTTOM"><font face="Georgia" size="2" color="#CCCCCC">..</font></td> <td align="CENTER" valign="MIDDLE"><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="440"> <tr> <td align="CENTER" valign="TOP"><b><font face="Georgia" size="5"><img src="graphics/onthedottedline.gif"></font></b></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="LEFT"><b><font face="Georgia">The Second First Time</font></b><font face="Georgia"> </font></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="RIGHT"><b><font face="Georgia"><a href="bios_a2l.shtml#Hopkins">Caitlin Hopkins</a> </font></b></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="CENTER"><b><font face="Georgia" size="5"><img src="graphics/onthedottedline.gif"></font></b></td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td align="LEFT" valign="TOP"> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">The older transsexual sat there, glowing in her report of her own sexuality. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">"I'm orgasmic," she proclaimed. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Virginia rolled her eyes. "Not another one," she whispered to me. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">I had been only going to the support group for three months, and Virginia, in her Iron Maiden T-shirts and Gen X cynicism was the only person there I felt I could relate to my own sense of doubt about the transition process. Being that I was the new kid on the block, she was my guide into the transsexual culture, and its staunchest critic as well. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">"What fuckin' bullshit," she said to me later. "Orgasmic my ass. Surgery is invasive and leaves loads of scarring. The sheer amount of people who claim to be post-operatively orgasmic is statistically improbable, don't you think?" </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">I hemmed and hawed. I had no idea, as all I knew of was my own orgasm that at the time was obviously male. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Not yet having surgery, there was not much personal experience I could use to disagree with her. Yes, many people said they were orgasmic after SRS. But there was not much more to go on. For some reason, post-op transsexuals seemed hesitant in sharing specifics. Post-op orgasms took on a mythic status, like some great white elephant. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Yes, yes. I can hear what you are saying "Isn't transsexuality more about gender, and not about sex?" And you're right; it is about gender. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">However, when we talk about genital reconstructive surgery, we focus on the genitals, which often are used during sexual acts. To talk about a "sex-change" surgery and not talk about sex seems to be forgetting that transsexuals are human beings, needing and desiring as much of a sex life as their bodies and minds will allow. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">But in the current political climate of transsexuality, dialogue requires us to explain that gender identity has nothing to do with sex. So we don't talk about it, and often times dismiss those that do. But in not talking about sex, male-to-female transsexuals have effectively neutered themselves, simply to seem less abnormal to the public at large. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">This was the environment I found myself in as I started to transition back in 1999. One could only talk about sex in an antiseptic manner. To publicly state that you wanted to have a good sex life after surgery would automatically get you labeled in some circles as not towing the party line, or even worse, not authentic in your claims of transsexuality. Such is the dynamic of internal transsexual culture. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">So I transitioned and remained celibate during that time, not just because I didn't want my transsexuality questioned by others, but because, quite frankly, any relationship would be taxing on an already tenuous emotional state. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">But I still wondered: Would I ever have sex again? And if I did, would I enjoy it? What would sex be like? </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Well, after one year from my last surgery, and waiting for the right moment, I would like to say the following: </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">I'm orgasmic. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">This is not a small thing for a transsexual. Oftentimes surgery does affect sensation in the genital area. And sometimes the body itself will reject some aspect of the surgery. I know of one person whose reconstructed clitoris simply died and sloughed off. Others have had scar tissue deaden the very important nerve endings both in and around the vaginal area. Being orgasmic after surgery is no small accomplishment. But these are the risks that we take in order to be who we are. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">But what was the orgasm like? </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Before I go into greater detail, I need to make two things perfectly clear. First, your own experiences may and probably will differ from my own. But this is to be expected as orgasms differ from person to person amongst genetic females. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Second, if you are a male-to-female transsexual, you need to understand that the orgasm a man has and an orgasm a woman has are two different entities. The two orgasms are not comparable. This is not a crescendo leading to a cliff dive. This is not a stimulus leading to a sudden ejaculation. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Instead, it's something far different. It seemed more of a journey rather than a goal that must be reached. If a male orgasm can be defined as setup/conflict/resolution...a female orgasm can be defined as...setup/character study/conflict/character study/resolution/character study/denouement.... with lots and lots of denouement. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Of course, your mileage may vary, but for me, there physically were a lot of plateaus. My partner and I would raise the level of arousal within both of us, and stay there. There was no finish line. There was no goal. There was simply being in the moment. We would stay and explore our mindsets, our bodies, and ourselves. And when the time was right, we pushed ourselves higher. This happened four or five times over the course of an evening, until we got to a point where my partner pushed me further than I had gone before. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">It didn't arrive suddenly. The cliché is that it comes in waves (if you pardon the pun), and that's as near to the truth as can be expressed. The mind would reach different and varying degrees of lust, passion and pleasure, meanwhile recalling the last wave that hit, and this cycle would repeat. And if there was physical stimulation going on while the mind was imbedded in its own ecstasy in the forms of bites to the neck, or fingers to the clit, or a simple, passionate embrace, then the state of lust would be pushed even further, to the point of frenzy, to the point of... </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">The moment. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">The first time it happened, it shocked me. And, to be honest, it was painful, but not in the physical sense. I got to the point where I had completely exposed myself and left myself vulnerable. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">That was the unexpected part. That was the part the no one had talked about. When finally, suddenly, you are just you, and all of your passion and lust and acceptance of who you are is finally bound to you. The years of hiding, of crying, of defending, of protecting are over. The decades of struggle to get to be who you knew yourself to be has finally led to this respite. I was alone, with my partner, and I was finally able to show them all of me, regardless of consequence, regardless of the past. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Passion will do that. Passion strips away pretense, strips away defense mechanisms. Passion, both literally and figuratively, leaves you nude. You can't hide when there's nothing to hide behind. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">I have no idea how long the moment lasted. Not long I suppose, but it seemed just the opposite. The waves of pleasure returned, each time less in intensity. And sex became a decrescendo, a calming effect. Kisses and hands returned, whispers and moans became pillows to fall upon. And we landed upon the plateau we had last started from, and played in its fields. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">So yeah, I'm orgasmic. And I have no problem with telling that to anyone. Much like the rest of the population on this planet, I am a sexual being. And more than anything else, that's what the orgasm taught me: That I am a woman who enjoys sex. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">But it also taught me how political sex can be. The transsexual culture wages war every day, both within itself and outside of it. It seems that the very act of not only enjoying sex, but also publicly proclaiming it, is often perceived as an aggressive act. And some people think that since women aren't supposed to be aggressive, then they are not supposed to talk about sex. So if we, as male-to-female transsexuals, are to be taken seriously and have our womanhood validated, then we are supposed to make sure that we act in a non-aggressive, very passive sense when it comes to sex. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">But the reality is that that mindset itself is sexist. By holding back information, by not claiming our own bodies, by falling into this outmoded notion of how women are "supposed to act", we end up invalidating ourselves. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">And that is in part why the orgasm is so damn important, not just to male to female transsexuals, but everyone. It's during the orgasm that we can truly sense our bodies, and understand how much joy and happiness is not only our own, but our own responsibility. </font></td> </tr> <tr> <td> <center><b><font face="Georgia" size="5"><img src="graphics/onthedottedline.gif"></font></b> </center></td> </tr> </table> </font></td> <td align="CENTER" valign="TOP" width="226">  </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="488"><font face="Georgia" size="2"><table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="2" width="474"> <tr> <td align="LEFT" width="8"><font face="Georgia" size="2" color="#CCCCCC">..</font></td> <td align="CENTER">  </td> </tr> </table> </font></td> <td align="CENTER" width="226"></td> </tr> </table> </p> </body>