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I’ve always wanted to have a child, to be a father. Fatherhood
is such a strange topic for gay men; it’s one of those discussions
that come after a few dates when the second toothbrushes have
been left at the others’ apartments. It’s easier to meet other
gay men that don’t mind if you happen to be a quadruple amputee.
The idea of being a father is just not something that many in
the gay community ever wanted or expected. I used to be one of
those gay men who never wanted kids, but then I spent time with
friends and family members that gave birth to the most adorable
and beautiful children on the planet. Suddenly, my icy heart began
to melt and –dare I say it? –I found myself wanting to someday
have children. When I mean “someday,” I am placing this futuristic
date after gaining and maintaining financial stability. I already
went through the selfish part of my life where I wanted everything
to be about me, but now I’m ready for the next phase in my life:
I want to take photos of my child at all its dances and recitals,
and more than anything else, I want life to mean something beyond
my material expectations. Unlike so many must-have fashions that
come and go in a matter of months, I want a child to love for
all my years.
I’ve talked about fatherhood with my friends, and many of them
smiled and reassured me that I would make a great father; there
were the others that raised an eyebrow in my direction and then
asked, “You?” but I see them so rarely that it’s quite easy for
me to dismiss their criticisms. My mom is forever convinced that
gays & lesbians should not be allowed to have or adopt children,
but she knows that if she wants to see her grandchildren, she
better learn to accept my choice to become a parent or spend a
lot of time alone during the holidays. I also know that, secretly,
she is already planning babysitting time.
But how does a gay man get a kid? It’s not as if I just drive
to the nearest mall and pick out a baby to take home and love?dolls
notwithstanding. Several of my girlfriends have offered themselves
to be the second (and most important) part in making babies. I
could also adopt a child, something to which I am not opposed
when you stop to consider all the hundreds of thousands of unwanted
children across the world. I’m sure that there are many other
options available for me, but these seem to be the best and most
legal ones to select and apply to my situation.
Another hurdle in becoming a gay parent is finding other men that
share a similar desire to also raise a child. I have dated and
loved my fair share of men, and very few ever contemplate of toying
with the idea of becoming a father. My ex-boyfriends were never
into the idea of fatherhood because they enjoyed their personal
time too much to be bothered with raising a child. To find another
gay man with similar beliefs about child rearing that include
sexual development, behavior management, spiritual philosophies
and overall parenting skills is a lot more difficult than going
to a Crate & Barrel and arguing over furniture selections. What’s
the second most-scariest thing you can tell a gay man after “I
Love You”? “I don’t want our child to have your nose, but let’s
cross our fingers and hope that it gets your gorgeous lips.”
Single parents don’t seem to get any respect, what with less-than-eloquent
politicians discussing the negative implications of a fictional
television character raising a child without a father, or family
sociologists emphasizing the need for children to be raised by
two parents in order to live a healthy lifestyle. I can always
choose to become a single father, but being a child of divorce
and living with one parent and the occasional significant other
was enough for me to realize the importance of having two parents
and their incomes to provide the necessary support when called
upon. This isn’t to say that you cannot be a single parent and
raise a child just as well, if not better, than a two-parent household
–I myself grew up with divorced parents and was raised by my mother
–but Lord knows the odds are not stacked in the favor of single
parents. It isn’t as easy for a gay man to find a partner that
can fit the bill like so many heterosexual couples, but I hope
that there is someone out there who feels the same as I do: every
child deserves a loving home, regardless of the sexual orientation
of the parent.
I’m highly cynical about society at large and its views toward
same-sex couples, especially when it comes to parenthood. I spent
a lot of my childhood in Colorado, a state that is both Conservative
and Christian. Colorado is famous for passing Amendment 2 in 1992,
a bill that denied non-discrimination policies toward gay men
and lesbians. Focus on The Family is a large Christian coalition
in Colorado Springs that preaches – literally – about the importance
of families having both a mother and a father; along with The
Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. Colorado’s policies and views
toward gays and lesbians left me with a bitter taste in my mouth,
and courtrooms all across The United States always feature cases
involving same-sex couples fighting over custody with either each
other; the government; other parents who are involved with the
child but are heterosexual; or family members that do not want
their relatives to be raised in sin by abominations of God. As
it is, very few states permit same-sex couples to adopt children,
and even then it is no spring picnic to live without fear of harassment
or violence because of a private domestic environment. It takes
courage to be gay or lesbian in our society, but it also requires
even greater strength to raise a child.
When faced with nothing positive, will an opportunity present
itself with someone that can show you how being a gay man and
a single parent are done?
Enter Brian: I met him in an online chat room for gay men when
I was still living in Denver. I first noticed his photos on his
profile, but I was more curious about his personal information,
specifically where he mentioned his son. I sat in front of my
computer reading that line over and over again: “I have an awesome
6yr old son”. My curiosity was piqued. I sent Brian an e-mail
asking if I could possibly interview him for an article, because
I wanted to know more about being a gay, single parent. Brian
didn’t hesitate to say “yes”, and we finally met about a week
or so later. When he walked into the café to meet me for our interview,
I wasn’t expecting him to be so handsome and easy on the eyes.
The pictures on Brian’s profile made him look younger, a bit more
pensive with a touch of fanciful flights. Aside from what I read
on Brian’s profile, I knew very little -- nothing, really -- about
his story, so I asked him questions based on my pre-conceived
notions of fatherhood, sexuality and society. When I found that
my questions were completely irrelevant to Brian and his relationship
with his son, I put away my notebook and simply let him tell his
story.
Brian was born in Jackson, Wyoming, a town with a population of
10,000. Jackson isn’t the sort of town where you can remain invisible,
but you can keep some things hidden forever.
Brian went to high school and graduated in 1991, he attended college
in Wyoming and majored in theater. He met his girlfriend Kristin
during their freshmen year together, and they married on October
10, 1994. Brian worked as a stage manager in the college theater,
where he also met a young man named David, a very flamboyant and
openly gay young man. Brian and David became friends, a relationship
that helped to soothe his marital troubles with Kristin. Finances
were always a topic of conversation that drove a stake through
Brian and Kristin’s marriage. The two of them had a son, Tristan,
born June 24, 1996 -- hoping their newborn son would alleviate
their relationship. Tristan was born 5 weeks too early; his lungs
hadn’t fully developed at birth. Tristan remained in the Infant
ICU for weeks after his birth, and this provided the necessary
diversion from the marital strife.
Tristan was aptly named, his name means “fighter”.
Tristan left the hospital when it was safe to do so, but he wasn’t
enough to keep Brian and Tristan together. There were many nights
spent fighting behind closed doors. Both Tristan’s father and
mother loved him, but the same couldn’t be said for his parents,
who would rarely talk to one another, if ever. There was nothing
left to talk about.
Brian spent more time talking with David than Kristin, and he
found himself conflicted by his feelings and, more importantly,
his sexuality. Brian realized that he always felt that he was
gay growing up, but that he could never tell anyone. So Brian
did his best to be the upstanding citizen and live a “normal”
life, but nothing that a person hides can remain hidden forever.
Brian and David began to date each other in March of 2000, even
getting an apartment on campus and living together. Their relationship
was kept quiet among the other people in the theater department,
but the apartment brought everything out in the open. Brian and
Kristin filed for divorced and completed the process in May 2000.
Tristan was four years old.
Brian conceded to Kristin’s request for custody of Tristan, provided
that visitation would be available at any time. At the time of
the divorce, Kristin did not choose to pursue child support from
Brian. The divorce was relatively painless, and the court approved
it on the basis of irreconcilable differences. Kristin never divulged
Brian’s sexuality to either side of the family.
Brian and David do not sleep together when Tristan comes over
to visit. Brian loves David but does not like the fact that he
chooses not to involve himself in Tristan’s life. David will make
himself scarce when Tristan stays over for the weekend, the only
time the two spend with one another are Tristan’s birthday and
holidays. Brian wants someone that is willing to also be a father
to Tristan, thus he openly admits having an open relationship
with David. Brian believes that David is too loyal and devoted
to him to be with anyone else, that an age difference of eight
years makes for immaturity and lack of wanting to be more involved
in Tristan’s life. So Tristan will come over, David will distance
himself, and Brian can spend time with his son that he loves above
all others. Tristan does not know that Brian and David are lovers,
the same as Kristin’s family.
Kristin remarried, and the two of them took Tristan and moved
to Colorado in July of 2001. The move was more difficult for Brian
than Tristan, and he desperately missed his son. Brian quit his
job, left David in Wyoming and moved to Colorado in September
2001. The cost of living in Wyoming was substantially lower than
Colorado, and Brian found himself working two jobs just to keep
his head above water. At the same time, Brian was finally spending
time without David, and this provided ample opportunity to party
with and meet other gay men. Brian went to the clubs and would
go online to meet younger guys –his preference –and even had sex
for money a few times. Brian was always honest about his sexual
trysts; he didn’t hide them from David when the two would talk
on the phone.
I stopped Brian at this point of our interview and asked him if
he was okay telling me this about his life. Brian smiled and said
that he tries to be as open and honest about himself as possible.
The truth shall set you free. I smirked and pointed out the fact
that he lies about his age when he meets younger men. Brian believes
that younger men will not pursue above a certain age, so he shaves
a few years off the top whenever he meets someone new to ensure
sexual encounters. Brian explained that David was his one and
only homosexual encounter, and when he moved to Denver by himself,
he wanted to be with other men. Brian’s experiences are not worn
like a badge of honor; they simply comprise the whole.
David remained in Wyoming until January 2002, at which time he
left his job and moved to Colorado so he could be with Brian.
The two of them share an apartment and work separate jobs in the
theater industry, but the relationship has remained the same.
Brian does not feel that he can commit himself to only one person
or at least one who does not want to be a parent, but David is
still madly in love with him. After the temporary break in the
relationship, Brian and David have reconciled and are doing well
taking every day as it comes.
Tristan lives primarily Kristin and her new husband, their ideas
of rearing him fare differently than what Brian would optimally
want for his son. Kristin and her husband are both highly devout
Christians, whereas Brian believes more in spirituality than an
idea of one organized religion. Corporal punishment is stressed
by Kristin and her husband, whereas Brian only believes in a spanking
being necessary as a last-resort.
Kristin recently told Brian that she is going to pursue child
support from him, which is proving taxing on him as he is already
working two jobs to barely eke a living. Brian is worried that
if he takes another job, or works more hours to pay child support,
his time with Tristan will become even more limited that it already
is.
Brian recently told Tristan about he and David, and what it means
to be gay. Tristan is 6? years old, and his understanding about
his dad and David is limited to looking up from his electronic
game player for a brief moment and saying “Oh. Well, that explains
it.” Brian is relieved to know that he no longer has to hide his
sexuality from Tristan, but Kristin’s husband and her family still
do not know. Brian summed it up best: “Could get interesting.”
Tristan has been doing poorly in school, mouthing off to his teacher,
not listening to directions, and responding with an “I don’t care”
attitude toward authority. Tristan is on medication for ADD, but
he is also comes a divorced family and now shares his home with
a newborn sister. It is hard to accurately gauge what exactly
is causing Tristan to act out, but both Brian and Kristin are
worried and hope that this is not a long-lasting attitude.
During the two hours or so we spent together in the café, I learned
a lot more about parenting and the sacrifices a parent is willing
to take for the love of a child. Brian is not an angel, he knows
this and does not shy away from his past experiences, but is willing
to do whatever he can to be there for Tristan and be included
in his life as much as possible.
I asked Brian what his secret is to being a parent. “Love,” he
said. “It really is all about love.”
I left our meeting feeling a bit better, a little less cynical
about the world around me. Thanks to Brian and Tristan and their
story, I have greater expectations and trust in our society, that
I can raise a child without fear of intervention from outside
parties or agencies. I will still face those people in my life
that cannot comprehend or tolerate the idea of me being a father,
but it will not change the love I will have for my child and my
desire to raise it the best way I know how: involvement, lots
of hugs and love, and sarcasm. Lots of sarcasm.
Now if only I could meet and get that significant other. But that’s
a different story. |
