Scarlet Letters: He & The Kid

<body background="graphics/background.gif" bgcolor="#FFFFFF" text="#000000" link="#990000" vlink="#666666" alink="#FFFFFF"> <p><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="724"> <tr> <td width="488"><font face="Georgia" size="2"><table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="2" width="468"> <tr> <td align="LEFT" width="1" rowspan="3" valign="BOTTOM"><font face="Georgia" size="2" color="#CCCCCC">..</font></td> <td align="CENTER" valign="MIDDLE"><table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="440"> <tr> <td align="CENTER" valign="TOP"><b><font face="Georgia" size="5"><img src="graphics/onthedottedline.gif"></font></b></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="LEFT"><b><font face="Georgia">He & The Kid</font></b></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="RIGHT"><b><font face="Georgia"><a href="bios_a2l.shtml#Elliot" title="click for author info">James Elliot </a></font></b></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="CENTER"><b><font face="Georgia" size="5"><img src="graphics/onthedottedline.gif"></font></b></td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td align="CENTER" valign="MIDDLE"><font face="Georgia" size="2"><table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="2"> <tr> <td align="LEFT" valign="TOP"> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Ive always wanted to have a child, to be a father. Fatherhood is such a strange topic for gay men; its one of those discussions that come after a few dates when the second toothbrushes have been left at the others apartments. Its easier to meet other gay men that dont mind if you happen to be a quadruple amputee. The idea of being a father is just not something that many in the gay community ever wanted or expected. I used to be one of those gay men who never wanted kids, but then I spent time with friends and family members that gave birth to the most adorable and beautiful children on the planet. Suddenly, my icy heart began to melt and dare I say it? I found myself wanting to someday have children. When I mean someday, I am placing this futuristic date after gaining and maintaining financial stability. I already went through the selfish part of my life where I wanted everything to be about me, but now Im ready for the next phase in my life: I want to take photos of my child at all its dances and recitals, and more than anything else, I want life to mean something beyond my material expectations. Unlike so many must-have fashions that come and go in a matter of months, I want a child to love for all my years. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Ive talked about fatherhood with my friends, and many of them smiled and reassured me that I would make a great father; there were the others that raised an eyebrow in my direction and then asked, You? but I see them so rarely that its quite easy for me to dismiss their criticisms. My mom is forever convinced that gays & lesbians should not be allowed to have or adopt children, but she knows that if she wants to see her grandchildren, she better learn to accept my choice to become a parent or spend a lot of time alone during the holidays. I also know that, secretly, she is already planning babysitting time. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">But how does a gay man get a kid? Its not as if I just drive to the nearest mall and pick out a baby to take home and love?dolls notwithstanding. Several of my girlfriends have offered themselves to be the second (and most important) part in making babies. I could also adopt a child, something to which I am not opposed when you stop to consider all the hundreds of thousands of unwanted children across the world. Im sure that there are many other options available for me, but these seem to be the best and most legal ones to select and apply to my situation. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Another hurdle in becoming a gay parent is finding other men that share a similar desire to also raise a child. I have dated and loved my fair share of men, and very few ever contemplate of toying with the idea of becoming a father. My ex-boyfriends were never into the idea of fatherhood because they enjoyed their personal time too much to be bothered with raising a child. To find another gay man with similar beliefs about child rearing that include sexual development, behavior management, spiritual philosophies and overall parenting skills is a lot more difficult than going to a Crate & Barrel and arguing over furniture selections. Whats the second most-scariest thing you can tell a gay man after I Love You? I dont want our child to have your nose, but lets cross our fingers and hope that it gets your gorgeous lips. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Single parents dont seem to get any respect, what with less-than-eloquent politicians discussing the negative implications of a fictional television character raising a child without a father, or family sociologists emphasizing the need for children to be raised by two parents in order to live a healthy lifestyle. I can always choose to become a single father, but being a child of divorce and living with one parent and the occasional significant other was enough for me to realize the importance of having two parents and their incomes to provide the necessary support when called upon. This isnt to say that you cannot be a single parent and raise a child just as well, if not better, than a two-parent household I myself grew up with divorced parents and was raised by my mother but Lord knows the odds are not stacked in the favor of single parents. It isnt as easy for a gay man to find a partner that can fit the bill like so many heterosexual couples, but I hope that there is someone out there who feels the same as I do: every child deserves a loving home, regardless of the sexual orientation of the parent. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Im highly cynical about society at large and its views toward same-sex couples, especially when it comes to parenthood. I spent a lot of my childhood in Colorado, a state that is both Conservative and Christian. Colorado is famous for passing Amendment 2 in 1992, a bill that denied non-discrimination policies toward gay men and lesbians. Focus on The Family is a large Christian coalition in Colorado Springs that preaches  literally  about the importance of families having both a mother and a father; along with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. Colorados policies and views toward gays and lesbians left me with a bitter taste in my mouth, and courtrooms all across The United States always feature cases involving same-sex couples fighting over custody with either each other; the government; other parents who are involved with the child but are heterosexual; or family members that do not want their relatives to be raised in sin by abominations of God. As it is, very few states permit same-sex couples to adopt children, and even then it is no spring picnic to live without fear of harassment or violence because of a private domestic environment. It takes courage to be gay or lesbian in our society, but it also requires even greater strength to raise a child. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">When faced with nothing positive, will an opportunity present itself with someone that can show you how being a gay man and a single parent are done? </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Enter Brian: I met him in an online chat room for gay men when I was still living in Denver. I first noticed his photos on his profile, but I was more curious about his personal information, specifically where he mentioned his son. I sat in front of my computer reading that line over and over again: I have an awesome 6yr old son. My curiosity was piqued. I sent Brian an e-mail asking if I could possibly interview him for an article, because I wanted to know more about being a gay, single parent. Brian didnt hesitate to say yes, and we finally met about a week or so later. When he walked into the café to meet me for our interview, I wasnt expecting him to be so handsome and easy on the eyes. The pictures on Brians profile made him look younger, a bit more pensive with a touch of fanciful flights. Aside from what I read on Brians profile, I knew very little -- nothing, really -- about his story, so I asked him questions based on my pre-conceived notions of fatherhood, sexuality and society. When I found that my questions were completely irrelevant to Brian and his relationship with his son, I put away my notebook and simply let him tell his story. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Brian was born in Jackson, Wyoming, a town with a population of 10,000. Jackson isnt the sort of town where you can remain invisible, but you can keep some things hidden forever. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Brian went to high school and graduated in 1991, he attended college in Wyoming and majored in theater. He met his girlfriend Kristin during their freshmen year together, and they married on October 10, 1994. Brian worked as a stage manager in the college theater, where he also met a young man named David, a very flamboyant and openly gay young man. Brian and David became friends, a relationship that helped to soothe his marital troubles with Kristin. Finances were always a topic of conversation that drove a stake through Brian and Kristins marriage. The two of them had a son, Tristan, born June 24, 1996 -- hoping their newborn son would alleviate their relationship. Tristan was born 5 weeks too early; his lungs hadnt fully developed at birth. Tristan remained in the Infant ICU for weeks after his birth, and this provided the necessary diversion from the marital strife. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Tristan was aptly named, his name means fighter. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Tristan left the hospital when it was safe to do so, but he wasnt enough to keep Brian and Tristan together. There were many nights spent fighting behind closed doors. Both Tristans father and mother loved him, but the same couldnt be said for his parents, who would rarely talk to one another, if ever. There was nothing left to talk about. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Brian spent more time talking with David than Kristin, and he found himself conflicted by his feelings and, more importantly, his sexuality. Brian realized that he always felt that he was gay growing up, but that he could never tell anyone. So Brian did his best to be the upstanding citizen and live a normal life, but nothing that a person hides can remain hidden forever. Brian and David began to date each other in March of 2000, even getting an apartment on campus and living together. Their relationship was kept quiet among the other people in the theater department, but the apartment brought everything out in the open. Brian and Kristin filed for divorced and completed the process in May 2000. Tristan was four years old. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Brian conceded to Kristins request for custody of Tristan, provided that visitation would be available at any time. At the time of the divorce, Kristin did not choose to pursue child support from Brian. The divorce was relatively painless, and the court approved it on the basis of irreconcilable differences. Kristin never divulged Brians sexuality to either side of the family. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Brian and David do not sleep together when Tristan comes over to visit. Brian loves David but does not like the fact that he chooses not to involve himself in Tristans life. David will make himself scarce when Tristan stays over for the weekend, the only time the two spend with one another are Tristans birthday and holidays. Brian wants someone that is willing to also be a father to Tristan, thus he openly admits having an open relationship with David. Brian believes that David is too loyal and devoted to him to be with anyone else, that an age difference of eight years makes for immaturity and lack of wanting to be more involved in Tristans life. So Tristan will come over, David will distance himself, and Brian can spend time with his son that he loves above all others. Tristan does not know that Brian and David are lovers, the same as Kristins family. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Kristin remarried, and the two of them took Tristan and moved to Colorado in July of 2001. The move was more difficult for Brian than Tristan, and he desperately missed his son. Brian quit his job, left David in Wyoming and moved to Colorado in September 2001. The cost of living in Wyoming was substantially lower than Colorado, and Brian found himself working two jobs just to keep his head above water. At the same time, Brian was finally spending time without David, and this provided ample opportunity to party with and meet other gay men. Brian went to the clubs and would go online to meet younger guys his preference and even had sex for money a few times. Brian was always honest about his sexual trysts; he didnt hide them from David when the two would talk on the phone. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">I stopped Brian at this point of our interview and asked him if he was okay telling me this about his life. Brian smiled and said that he tries to be as open and honest about himself as possible. The truth shall set you free. I smirked and pointed out the fact that he lies about his age when he meets younger men. Brian believes that younger men will not pursue above a certain age, so he shaves a few years off the top whenever he meets someone new to ensure sexual encounters. Brian explained that David was his one and only homosexual encounter, and when he moved to Denver by himself, he wanted to be with other men. Brians experiences are not worn like a badge of honor; they simply comprise the whole. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">David remained in Wyoming until January 2002, at which time he left his job and moved to Colorado so he could be with Brian. The two of them share an apartment and work separate jobs in the theater industry, but the relationship has remained the same. Brian does not feel that he can commit himself to only one person or at least one who does not want to be a parent, but David is still madly in love with him. After the temporary break in the relationship, Brian and David have reconciled and are doing well taking every day as it comes. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Tristan lives primarily Kristin and her new husband, their ideas of rearing him fare differently than what Brian would optimally want for his son. Kristin and her husband are both highly devout Christians, whereas Brian believes more in spirituality than an idea of one organized religion. Corporal punishment is stressed by Kristin and her husband, whereas Brian only believes in a spanking being necessary as a last-resort. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Kristin recently told Brian that she is going to pursue child support from him, which is proving taxing on him as he is already working two jobs to barely eke a living. Brian is worried that if he takes another job, or works more hours to pay child support, his time with Tristan will become even more limited that it already is. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Brian recently told Tristan about he and David, and what it means to be gay. Tristan is 6? years old, and his understanding about his dad and David is limited to looking up from his electronic game player for a brief moment and saying Oh. Well, that explains it. Brian is relieved to know that he no longer has to hide his sexuality from Tristan, but Kristins husband and her family still do not know. Brian summed it up best: Could get interesting. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Tristan has been doing poorly in school, mouthing off to his teacher, not listening to directions, and responding with an I dont care attitude toward authority. Tristan is on medication for ADD, but he is also comes a divorced family and now shares his home with a newborn sister. It is hard to accurately gauge what exactly is causing Tristan to act out, but both Brian and Kristin are worried and hope that this is not a long-lasting attitude. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">During the two hours or so we spent together in the café, I learned a lot more about parenting and the sacrifices a parent is willing to take for the love of a child. Brian is not an angel, he knows this and does not shy away from his past experiences, but is willing to do whatever he can to be there for Tristan and be included in his life as much as possible. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">I asked Brian what his secret is to being a parent. Love, he said. It really is all about love. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">I left our meeting feeling a bit better, a little less cynical about the world around me. Thanks to Brian and Tristan and their story, I have greater expectations and trust in our society, that I can raise a child without fear of intervention from outside parties or agencies. I will still face those people in my life that cannot comprehend or tolerate the idea of me being a father, but it will not change the love I will have for my child and my desire to raise it the best way I know how: involvement, lots of hugs and love, and sarcasm. Lots of sarcasm. </font></p> <p><font face="Georgia" size="2">Now if only I could meet and get that significant other. But thats a different story. </font></td> </tr> </table> </font></td> </tr> <tr> <td align="CENTER"><b><font face="Georgia" size="5"><img src="graphics/onthedottedline.gif"></font></b></td> </tr> </table> </font></td> <td align="CENTER" valign="TOP" width="226">  </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="488"><font face="Georgia" size="2"><table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="2" width="474"> <tr> <td align="LEFT" width="8"><font face="Georgia" size="2" color="#CCCCCC">..</font></td> <td align="CENTER">  </td> </tr> </table> </font></td> <td align="CENTER" width="226"></td> </tr> </table> </p> </body>