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Dear Blowhard, Size Queen Dear Size Queen- I suppose you could be considered selfish and shallow, although we all have our preferences. Some people only like brunettes, others have a thing for body hair, and some poor saps can only get off in the presence of a surgically enhanced blond. While it's always wise to keep your options open, there's no shame in embracing whatever it is you like. No, I wouldn't call you shallow of selfish. On the contrary, I commend you on knowing what you want. I might, however, call you unimaginative. As a dude without a dick, I can assure you there are plenty of ways to fill the void, so to speak, which have nothing to do with fat cock. Hands are wonderful lovers. Unfortunately, digital stimulation has been relegated to the role foreplay, so you might have to teach yourself and you lovers how to finish the job. Instead of thinking of finger play as an appetizer, start thinking of it as the main course. If you generally masturbate with a vibrator, put it aside now and again and try using only your hand. Get used to the sensation. Once you have a good idea of what feels great, you will be able to pass that information along to your partners. And don't forget the incredible advantage of fully opposable thumbs! You can insert up to four fingers while leaving the thumb free to stimulate the clit. Try doing that with a monster cock! If four fingers don't feel like enough to you, it's time to venture into the wonderful world of fisting. Using a generous amount of lube and some patience, instruct your lover to gradually work up to inserting all four fingers. When you feel ready, have him tuck his thumb in across his palm. As he works his hand into you, his fingers should curl into a fist with his thumb tucked inside. The sensations can be incredible, both for the fister and the fistee. Even the most subtle of movements feel amazing to the person being fisted, and there are few things as intimate and powerful as having your sweetie's pussy wrapped around your fist. Ask him to move slowly at first to give yourself time to get used to the sensation. He'll also want to take it slow when it's time for the big dismount. You might also want to explore the dildo option. Men can strap it on with the best of them as long as they avoid g-sting style harnesses and stick with a two-strap model. The dildo can be comfortably positioned to sit right above the penis. Add another dildo and a harness cuff and he can enjoy a little anal stimulation while he does his duty. If he's not wild about the idea of strapping it on, he can always maneuver the dildo with his hand. Dildos come in an almost endless variety of colors, sizes, and shapes, so you're sure to find the dick of your dreams. Like em short and fat? No problem. Want something curved to hit your g-spot? We got you covered. And unlike flesh and blood partners, dildos never go limp. Silicone is the material of choice because it warms to body temperature well and is easy to keep clean. Toss it into a pot of boiling water for 5 minutes, and it's as good as new. If you decide to use a dildo make of jelly rubber or the freakishly life-like Cyberskin, though, keep in mind that these materials are porous and so impossible to completely disinfect. Covering them with a condom makes clean up a breeze, and will prolong the life of your toy. "Yeah, yeah," I can hear you say, "but how do I talk him into fucking me without his dick?" I'm not denying this can be a challenge, but when approached with patience and sensitivity, you'll be surprised at what a guy would be willing to do to witness your screaming orgasms. Most guys will balk if you tell them their dick just doesn't do it for you, so subtlety is key. No one likes to feel inadequate, so present these alternative options as additions to your sex play rather than replacements for his dick. A smaller than average cock may not send shivers down your spine, but that doesn't mean you can't accommodate his needs. There's no reason why you can't both get what you want. Think of his dick as a warm-up rather than the main event, or make him get your off a few times with his hand before he enters you. Make sure he gets off, but also be clear with him about what you want. Let him know that you expect to come repeatedly, and tell him how to make that happen. All of us should keep in mind, though, that these alternative penetrative methods are not just for the small of dick. Using something other than your cock to get your partner off can be an intensely erotic experience. Because you're not so distracted by your own sexual response, you can concentrate on watching hers. Pay attention to what makes her squirm with pleasure. Revel in the power of her explosive orgasm. Make her come again and again. Concoct nasty scenarios in your head and tell her all about them while you do her. Believe me, it's a win-win situation. She'll think you're a rocket in the sack, and you'll get the show of the century. |
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Dear Blowhard,
But for some reason we still want to know what we can get away with and still claim virgin status, or we want to know at what point we can start bragging. The most popular answer seems to be that if a penis enters a vagina, sex has occurred and virginity has been sacrificed to the Gods of adolescent desire. There are some obvious flaws in this system of determination, however. A lesbian who has never had sex with a man, for example, can claim virginity not matter how big her dildo collection or how extensive her list of conquests. Teenagers who are invested in maintaining their virginity can and do engage in oral and anal sex as a way of fulfilling their sexual desires without "going all the way." This narrow view of what constitutes sex can have disastrous consequences from a public health standpoint. If it doesn't count as sex, why would you need to practice safe sex? As a culture, we need to examine our obsession with virginity. Why do we care so much? The very word conjures up images of dowries and damaged goods; of old hags checking the sheets of new brides for stains to verify virginity. But in this sense, virginity doesn't really exist, and never has. If virginity is only about broken hymen, many women have lost theirs to bicycle seats or their own fingers. Other women have very flexible hymen and have managed vaginal intercourse without tearing it. Say it with me, boys and girls: Virginity is a myth. I'm not saying that deciding to be sexual with someone for the first time is not and important step, but that we need to expand our idea of what counts. We need to take a more holistic approach to sexuality. Sex is not something one either does or doesn't do, but rather a whole range of activities that most people engage in on some level from a pretty early age. Masturbation, children's sex play, heavy petting, all of these things are part of our sexuality. Claiming that someone is not sexual until they have experience vaginal/penile intercourse sets up a bizarre and arbitrary line that must be crossed. It perpetuates the idea that vaginal/penile intercourse is the only kind of sex that counts, which brings us to the other reason we can about what defines sex. We want to know what counts as cheating. You'd think this would be easy to figure out, right? If you're in a monogamous relationship and you have sex with someone else, you're cheating. But what is sex? Does a blow job count? How about phone sex? What if you do nothing but spank someone else? If our conception of sex is confined to the old in-and-out, all of these activities are fine and dandy within the confines of a monogamous relationship. So why do you feel so guilty? Sex is, of course, about much more than what you do. It's about what you feel. Sex is about feeling intimate, vulnerable, or powerful. What might count as sex for one person might not for another, which is exactly why it's so hard to define. You can have great sex without touching, and you can have great sex without coming. In fact, as a species, we seem to have an amazing ability to fetishize just about anything. If getting tied up does nothing for you, than your partner might not be upset if you let someone tie you up. If, on the other hand, you know that getting tied up is your partner's hottest desire, you might feel threatened if someone else practiced his/her knot tying with your honey. Ultimately, if you choose to be in a monogamous relationship, you and your partner need to spend some time defining the rules of that monogamy. Just because you're not practicing polyamory doesn't mean you don't have to negotiate the parameters of your relationship. But it's not all about shutting down your monogamy loopholes. There are some wonderful advantages to seeing the world through sex-colored glasses. Anything can be sexy if you decide it is. And if we put less emphasis on the intercourse aspect of sexuality, we have more room to think about other tantalizing possibilities. The limits we place on our sexual imagination are stunting and unproductive. By privileging penetrative sex, we shut ourselves down to a whole host of other sensual options. Imagine if, just for a week, every heterosexual couple decided to have sex as many times as possible without engaging in vaginal/penile intercourse. Aside from the delicious denial and restraint, consider how much imaginative possibilities there are. How many ways can you think of to produce pleasure? Ok, then, get to work! |
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| Got a query for Blowhard? E-mail Archer at asktheblowhard@yahoo.com |
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12.07.06: Scarlet Letters -- in case it isn't glaringly obvious -- is currently
on an extended hiatus. The web has changed, we've changed, and
we're trying to figure out how we both fit together now, which isn't a process we want to rush. If you're looking for more current SL-related content, you can
have check out upcoming books from editor Heather Corinna and previous co-editor Hanne Blank, check out Heather's current sexuality sites, or explore sites through the femmerotic network. We hope to be back with you soon, as fresh, challenging and
unexpected as ever.
In the meantime, by all means, enjoy our years of past content,
all of which still remain in the public and subscription areas.
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