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This article is an exploded play-by-play explanation of the contract my wife and I have worked out with regard to who may do what sort of depraved sexual act with whom in the context of our marriage. It seems that there are a lot of people out there who'd like to experiment with polyamory, but the actual mechanics of how such a relationship works is pretty confusing to them. Well, here's the Chilton's manual for our marriage; let's take a look under the hood and check out the motor and its workings. Maybe by the time we're done, you'll be able to figure out how to rebuild your own. We, Bella Michelle Kinney Kaldera and Raven Brangwyn Kaldera, do hereby agree to the following rules for our relationship, which can be renegotiated at a future date if both parties are amenable, on a point-by-point basis. OK, so I've been polyamorous since I've been sexual. At the tender age of 15 I lost my virginity and realized that there was no way I was going to be able to cope with monogamy, period. If I was told that I couldn't have it, wanting it would drive me crazy. My choices seemed few: cheat on my partners, go through serial monogamous relationships faster than used tissues, live a life entirely of one-night stands, or be polyamorous and work like hell to get it right. Seems like a no-brainer, right? For the record, not all poly people run their sex lives the way we do. Some have no primary partner, but give all their partners equal time. Some have more than one primary. Some have a closed circle of "polyfidelitous" lovers. There are as many ways to do it as there are human connections; no one way is right for everyone. This is the way we've figured out to be right for us. 1. We affirm that by handfasting, we create a primary relationship. All other relationships will be no more than secondary in priority, regardless of the level of love, lust, and infatuation involved. Being married is really important to me. I didn't realize how important it was until I actually had a well-fitting marriage for the first time. Before, when I'd had relationships - including marriages - that had been a poor fit, I dismissed marriage as something I was doing for the other person, or for society, or for insurance, or whatever. It was when I had something really good that I decided it was worth it to do everything I could not to lose it. A. This means that the primary partner will have first claim on the other partner's time, energy, and attention, after such things as childcare, jobs, school, etc. In a monogamous relationship, sex is the coin with which you show the other person how much they are valued. In a polyamorous relationship, where sex is not exclusive, the coin you use instead is time and attention. The running joke at our local polyamory support group is that the polyamorous mating call is "Get out your calendars!" B. This also means that the primary partner's feelings about the situation take priority, and are of maximum importance in gauging the viability of a relationship position. Example: If party A and party A's secondary lover(s) think everything is hunky-dory, and party B is upset, party B gets listened to and taken seriously. If one of us thinks something is wrong, something is wrong. Polyamory is grad school relationship. It's for grownups only. If you can't yet bring yourself to communicate honestly with your partner about everything that goes wrong....and don't wait too long after it goes wrong, and don't lay on guilt when you bring it up, then don't do it. Stay monogamous. Polyamory is not the place to work out your neuroses, any more than running a marathon is the best way to exercise your recently-broken and healing ankle. C. We affirm that communication is important, and we promise each other to bring up and discuss reasonably and rationally any feelings of insecurity, abandonment, loneliness, unfairness, etc. as soon as we can articulate them. We agree to take each other's said feelings with the utmost seriousness, and not to ridicule them. We agree to put constructive suggestions first before paranoia or accusations. We agree to change our behavior whenever necessary with regard to polyamory to make the other partner feel loved and valued. Process, process, process! This is probably the thing that puts the most people off, next only to jealousy and insecurity. The key is for every person involved to come at every processing session with a teamwork rather than an oppositional attitude - more like, "We're going to find a way to work this all out together" than "You evil people have hurt me again!" It's the responsibility of the lover who's feeling hurt to bring it up. It's the responsibility of the others involved to listen, and ask how they can make you feel better while not requiring them to feel worse. And, throwing the ball back into the first court, it is the responsiblity of the first person to strain their brains and think of something. D. We also affirm that non-primary lovers are not therapists with which to complain about your primary partners. We request each other to only do such necessary venting with non-sexual friends. Non-primary lovers can not be used to run messages of pique to the other partner, used as a weapon in an argument when not present to defend themselves, or be put in the middle of a primary-lover argument about an issues other than polyamory or the relationships involved if they do not wish it. If you've ever been a secondary lover watching your honey have a knock-down-drag-out with their mate, you know just what an awkward and terrifying situation it is. Generally, getting involved makes it worse, no matter how objective you think you are. Even if you are objective, it's unlikely that you'll be perceived that way. Sometimes it's best to take a trip to the corner store for chocolate and let them duke it out. E. We promise to be honest about our feelings at all times, never to play the martyr in order to look generous, never to dismiss a feeling on the basis of irrationality - all feelings are irrational and will be taken seriously anyway - and never to give in to "shiny new lover" syndrome, in which infatuation with the new toy precludes attention to the old. Ah, Shiny New Lover Syndrome, the bane of polyamory! It's so hard,when you're in love all over again, to take time away from exploring your new toy, with whom you have So Much In Common, It's Amazing, and pay the requisite amount of attention to your current lover. It's actually a good thing to pay extra attention to them even when you're longing to go play with the New Toy, or they will defninitely feel abandoned. Head this one off at the pass whenever possible. 2. We agree that although sexual and romantic liaisons with others are permitted, they are permitted only under the following circumstances: A. If either of us want to have sexual/romantic relations with someone else, they must bring that person in to be interviewed by the other primary partner before sexual relations have occurred. This is the first place where we weed "em out. If you're not willing to be grilled by my spouse, then obviously you must not want me that badly, right? Am I worth it, or not? B. The potential lover must affirm that they are fully aware of the situation and have no illusions about the nature of our partnership, including their place in the priority list. The problem is, of course, that people lie. Another polyamorous couple that we know had a situation like this. He went to a new city 800 miles away to secure his job and find an apartment ahead of time, before she came down with their young child and all their stuff. Once there, he found a new girlfriend, and negotiations were done over the phone. The new girlfriend swore that she understood, but in actuality she was secretly sure that "this polyamory stuff" was just the lead-in to a divorce, and that she'd soon be in the wifely place. Then his wife moved down with their child (and her own girlfriend), and there were no signs of a divorce to be seen. The girlfriend was mightily disgruntled. Then the husband went out and found himself a new boyfriend and introduced him to the family. At this point the girlfriend realized that they had been telling the truth all along, and fled in anguish. It's really hard to tell if someone means it when they smile and say, "Oh, yes, I understand perfectly." Usually I make "em sign a copy of this contract, saying that they've read and understand it. C. The potential partner must convince us that they are really polyamorous, and not just fooling around between monogamous lovers that they will eventually dump us for. We've been through that too many times. Actually, it's the single most frequent reason I've been dumped in my entire life. The new lover swears up and down that they are polyamorous, everything goes well for many months, and then they take a new lover who wants them to be monogamous and drop all the other flames. One day you're convinced everything is Fine, the next they're telling you goodbye because "this relationship means so much to me, I just have to do it!" Except that I'd never do that to someone. When I say this is what they can expect, I mean it. If a lover told me I had to be monogamous and dump people with seniority and old, deep connections, I'd tell them to go screw themselves. Really. They knew what they were getting when they took up with me. If they fooled themselves into believing that I wasn't being truthful, that's their stupidity. These days, I tell new lovers up front that if they were ever to do that to me, I Will Kill Them. Verbally, anyway. In other words, if you're polyamorous, don't date monogamous people, no matter how cute they are. D. The potential lover must be polite and respectful to the other primary partner throughout the relationship. Hell, yes! At least one of my new lovers was chucked out for being rude to Bella as soon as I was out of the room. You don't have to be my wife's closest friend, or lover, or pal, but you'd better be decent to her and not treat her as if you wish she didn't exist. If you care about me, you will care about the most important person in my life. E. The potential lover must be OK with kids and not nasty to Raven's daughter. They need not have extensive interactions with her, but they should not regard her as a nuisance or obstacle, at least not where Raven can hear it. Everybody wants to ask my daughter about what it's like to have polyamorous parents, as if it were a big deal. Although every child is different, most of the kids I've met who have poly parents actually like having all those extra adults around to pay attention to them, if only for a few minutes. If you pick the right people, it can be about providing a village to raise your child. And just because we have more than one lover doesn't mean we're doing it on the kitchen table every morning. Kids can learn about privacy just fine. F. No homewrecking. If the potential lover has a partner with any serious level of commitment (e.g. from regular boyfriend/girlfriend to spouse) that partner must speak to both of us and give his/her blessing to the idea. If they are less than OK with it, the lover is disqualified. Anyone lying about not having such a level of commitment when in actuality they do, will immediately be disqualified on the spot upon discovery. Loud scenes are appropriate at this time. This is an especially important one. You do not want to be in the middle of some couple's marital problems. I don't care how much you want a married person whose SO is demanding monogamy; cheating is Wrong. Lying to one's SO and/or encouraging someone else to do so is Wrong. Obviously, folks like this have things to work out; tell them that they have to do their homework before they get to play. Always take the moral high ground. It's better than having an angry SO coming after you with an ax. If they can't give you their blessing, get out of there before it blows up in your face. G. Each primary partner has the right to an irrevocable veto of any partner at any time. On the first interview, the vetoer is required to provide an explanation, but the veto is not open to argument. If an already long-standing sex partner is suddenly vetoed, arguing is allowed and a consensus must be reached. Part of real love is being able to say to your lover, "I trust you with control over who I sleep with, because I trust you to make your decision based not on your own insecurities but on a real consideration of my needs, wishes, and safety." If you do not have this level of trust in them, you need to pull back from polyamorous adventures and work on trust-building within the relationship. I recently counseled a woman whose boyfriend was pressing for polyamory, and she was trying to decide whether or not it felt right. She couldn't help being insecure about him running off with other people; I pointed out that he still had not finished the legal paperwork on his last divorce, and was being evasive about actually marrying her. I suggested that maybe polyamory might look a good deal different once he'd actually made a real commitment to her. Trust is essential, and must be earned with honesty and the willingness to be inconvenienced by those you love. H. Any and all emotional misunderstandings must be settled by consensus, with mediation if necessary, before they become resentful and blow up. Repeated inability on the part of non-primary lovers to talk through misunderstandings and come to useful compromises will result in disqualification due to immaturity. Repeated unwillingness to bring up emotional resentments before they become dangerous will have the same result. Inability to get along with other primary partner after repeated processing will also have the same result. Remember, the committed relationship comes first. In order to consent to a lover's liaison, you must first feel secure in the relationship. The other part of love, the reply to the above quote, is: "I can consent to these other relationships because I trust you to take my emotional needs into consideration, to be clear about what position I hold in your life, and to respond immediately when I am feeling insecure." Again, trust-building is important, as is honesty. Sandbagging - letting resentment pile up until it explodes - is guaranteed to kill a polyamorous relationship. I. If genetic male-identified males wish to date Bella, they must first court Raven's permission to do so. Gifts are encouraged. This is a negotiation around possessiveness and insecurities that we are both especially proud of. When it came to Bella seeing other people, somehow it was very hard for me when she wanted to see genetic male-identified males. I worried that she'd revert to a former pattern of being attracted to abusive, alcoholic jerks. I worried that they'd treat me politely on the surface, but inside they'd be laughing at me for letting them "screw my woman". I worried that they'd start pissing contests with me out of sheer habit. And, yes, I was just kind of possessive and insecure. However, Bella, like me, is bisexual, and didn't want her activities curtailed in ways I wasn't willing to curtail mine. So it was my responsibility to figure out how to solve the problem: Under what circumstances could a theoretical guy date my wife without getting my hackles up? What would he have to do to make me feel good about it? The solution that I finally came up with was that they would have to court me for permission to be with her - give me gifts, or take me out male-bonding, or otherwise make the effort to show that they respected me, and cared enough about her to go through that process. When her ex-lover came back into her life (as he often does between monogamous girlfriends, a situation that would drive me mad but that she doesn't mind), he dropped off a spare motorcycle that an ex-roomate had given him. "It needs some work, and I don't have the time to fix it. Do you want it?" What could I do but grin and say, "Go have fun!" J. Although secondary lovers do not have to have a separate friend-type relationship with the other primary partner, in which they spend time just with them, it is a definite bonus and likely to earn them favor. This should be suggested to them. Frankly, if they can't be at least some kind of friends, do you really want to be in the middle of that, possibly for years? 3. There are restrictions on the following social activities: A. The following nights must be spent with the primary partner: Anniversaries. Birthdays and rebirthdays. The eight religious high holidays of our church. Graduations and any other days of special emotional significance. As soon as one partner falls asleep, however, the duty is considered fulfilled. This is where priorities come in, right? When one lover's black belt competition falls on the other lover's birthday, you'd better start negotiating well in advance. I highly recommend having calendars that you all compare and adjust regularly. In fact, don't come to a processing session without them. B. Only primary partners can play spouses in historical recreation games. This works for us, because it happens to be a hobby we do together. Obviously, if Bella hated that sort of thing, and another one of my lovers liked it, this would be different. It's one of the great things about polyamory - no matter what the event or interest, you can probably find someone willing to escort you there. The problem comes when they all want to go, and who gets to decorate your arm? Talk it out beforehand. C. Use of the words "wife", "husband", "spouse", and "partner" are restricted to primary partnership only. Other words such as "boyfriend", "girlfriend", "lover", "fuckbuddy", etc. are fine for other contacts. When you start getting more than two people on your regular Valentine list, it's hard to know what the hell to call them. I currently have one wife, one boyfriend, one play-partner, and one fuckbuddy. That's how they each prefer to be referred to. Words are very powerful and have strong connotations. It's worth it to get your titles right. 4. There are restrictions on the following sexual activities: A. Body fluid monogamy at all times with non-primary lovers. This means latex. Exceptions for individuals who have been lovers for at least six months, and who are willing to do body fluid monogamy with all other lovers, can be negotiated. This is very important to us, not just for emotional reasons, but for ones of our physical safety. If you are not going to be monogamous, you have to work three times as hard to be safe out there in the world of communicable diseases. I once dumped, quite painfully and with a lot of tears, a former primary partner who went to a gathering, had unsafe sex, came home, and had unsafe sex with me before relating the extent of the previous adventures. I'm sorry, but this is unforgivable. It shows that you don't care about your partner's life, much less your own. We have recently, for the first time in our relationship, integrated my secondary lover into our fluid bond. He has agreed to go full latex with everyone else, which makes us into a body-fluid-polyfidelitous triangle. It took several years and many secondary lovers before we found someone who was right for this. Don't jump at creating a family bond with your first poly crush! Give it time and patience. B. Bella will experience penetrative sex only with Raven. Sometimes it's good thing to have one special sexual act, even above and beyond those acts limited by body fluid monogamy, that is only for primary partners. It means that when you do this one thing, you are affirming your unique relationship to each other; that it is irreplaceable and unlike any other connection in your lives. It's OK to have one special thing for each relationship, of course, but it's best to pick things that aren't the other partner's cup of tea anyway, if possible. C. If S/M is going to be happening, the primary partner has the right to demand to be present in order to make sure the other partner will be safe. Each person's discretion. We do S/M, which makes things a little more complicated. If you have a one-night stand with a stranger, and they aren't a violent psycho but are an inexperienced and fairly lousy lover, generally the worst that happens is that you don't get off and go away grumbling. Add S/M to the same situation and you have the potential for physical and emotional harm, even if everyone means well. That means that bringing leathersex into a relationship means extra negotiating - like several hours' worth. Even little things - "if I call you Sir, do I have to call her Ma'am even if I'm not lovers with her?" "Er...have you actually ever done it with that thing in reality?" can present problems if not worked out first. D. Beds are first and foremost for sleeping in. If loud sex in the big bed between a primary and secondary lover is keeping the other primary lover awake, they have the power of eviction. There's nothing so pissy in the morning as a partner who was kept awake all night listening to you have sex. Even if they didn't really want to be involved in it, but just wanted to sleep. Actually, especially if they just wanted to sleep. Be considerate. 5. Hunting licenses. If one partner is going away on a trip, and wants to be able to take advantage of sexual contacts during that time when interviewing is not available, s/he can apply to the other partner for a "hunting license". This will entail the license-holder to have sex without prior interviewing or permission. Rules pertaining: A. Hunting licenses do not have to be granted. Their refusal need not be explained, and cannot be argued. They are a privilege, not a right. We borrowed the term "hunting license" from another polyamorous couple. All negotiating aside, sometimes there will be times when you're by yourself in a faraway place and just can't get the other partner on the phone. By limiting the possibility of such out-of-left-field encounters to times when it's expected, you cut down on insecurity. Granted, if your partner is feeling insecure and doesn't want to grant you one, it's hard to be good about it, but you have to keep telling yourself that this relationship is worth more than any possible quickie. There will be other quickies. Years of love are hard to replace. B. They are only good for the specified period of time. C. Sexual contacts picked up on a hunting license can only be one-shot deals. If, after returning home, once the license has expired, the partner wants to continue to see this contact, they must start from scratch as if there had been no sex, bringing them for a standard interview. All rules and vetoes then apply. D. The sexual contacts during the licensing period must be made fully aware of the polyamorous situation, including what they can expect afterwards, and must not have SOs who would object. (This must be verified with a phone call.) I don't know how many times I've been in negotiation with someone I've just met whose SO is "totally OK with them doing it with other people", and when I ask to call the SO and make sure of this fact, they turn pale and suddenly aren't quite so interested in me any more. Hmmm. Funny, that. E. The first free time directly following the cessation of a hunting license period must be spent in quality time with the primary partner. Ah, crawling back into bed with the body that you know and love so well! I definitely find that absence makes the heart - and the loins - grow fonder. There's something wonderful to knowing that you can have your cake and eat it too, with a little work on the sidelines. It's also wonderful to know that the love between you is so big that it doesn't have to be kept confined in a tiny box. Well, all right, maybe this contract is just our way of putting it in a much bigger box, a playground, a stage, so that it won't get lost or dissipated. Boundaries are good. They tell you just how much - exactly how much - you are loved. We hereby agree to abide by the rules of this contract until it is renegotiated, or until we die, or until the world ends. Raven and Bella Kaldera |
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12.07.06: Scarlet Letters -- in case it isn't glaringly obvious -- is currently
on an extended hiatus. The web has changed, we've changed, and
we're trying to figure out how we both fit together now, which isn't a process we want to rush. If you're looking for more current SL-related content, you can
have check out upcoming books from editor Heather Corinna and previous co-editor Hanne Blank, check out Heather's current sexuality sites, or explore sites through the femmerotic network. We hope to be back with you soon, as fresh, challenging and
unexpected as ever.
In the meantime, by all means, enjoy our years of past content,
all of which still remain in the public and subscription areas.
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